I have moments where I feel like a fraud.
I feel like my whole life is just fake.
Moments where I feel like my happiness isn’t real.
It was all just for show.
Not for someone else, for me.
Fake so that I can live.
So that I can justify every bad decision I have ever made.
It was all worth it so that I could get to this…
What is this though?
Is this what I really want?
Is this what makes me happy?
Sometimes it feels like enough, other times it doesn’t even come close.
My sister just posted something the other day about finding your passion; all these quotes we see about figuring out what will make you happy… Her post was about how stupid that is. I read it, skeptical because I believed that stuff. I believed we should find our passion and live according to it.
The article talked about how we already know our passion; we have something that makes us “go” every day, something that consumes our minds and our thoughts the majority of the day. We just needed to think about what that was. Recognize it. So I thought about it…
Some days I feel like everything does happen for a reason. I feel like things will work out how they are meant to. Other days I think that isn’t really true. Things will work out how we make them work out.
Some days it feels as though just as the earth rotates, my life does too. In a circle. Repeating the same shit over and over again. When I’m in one of my moods, I feel like this is because I haven’t learned my lesson yet. I haven’t really gotten what I am supposed to get, so I keep spinning and spinning. The same lesson being given to me over and over again until I really learn what I’m supposed to.
Maybe my life was as happy as it was going to get. Maybe I should have been content with the way things were. Maybe I should have forgiven and tried harder to forget. Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I was a spoiled brat that just wanted more when I really had all that I needed.
Today it feels like that. It feels like all of the struggles and all the bullshit have been because of me.
My mistakes and my sins are the cause of my struggles now. My own karma. If I believe other people will get their Karma I have to believe I will get my own also. That just makes sense.
For every bad I can remember a good. Maybe it’s just because right now I am really struggling with my emotions. But maybe it’s because it really wasn’t that bad. Maybe I was put in the position I was when it all ended to test my love, my strength, maybe that was when I failed. Not only myself, but my kids too. Maybe I failed us all. Robbed them of their own happiness because I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t rise above the hurt and the pain that was building up and making me so very bitter. All of the stupid things that are happening right now may have been my passion; helping, fixing, loving… Instead, now I am starting all over again. With just as much of a blindfold on my face as I had when I started 18 years ago.
I want more. I want things that I had. If I could combine my life now with my life then I would be happy. Or would I want more then too?
There’s that word in my mind again, settling. How do you know if you are? Maybe when I thought I was settling I was really just living a content, happy, comfortable life and that should have been good enough for me.
Wanting more is the devil. Really. It is such a struggle internally. Trying to determine what you should be ok waiting for and what you should be saying isn’t ok.
Focusing on you, trying to become more, to love yourself more, to take care of yourself, to surround yourself with good people. We do all of that in hopes of feeling whole; sometimes I wonder if we can ever really feel whole at this stage of our lives though. So much living has happened. Bits of my heart won’t ever come back… Some of the hurt and the pains don’t seem like they will ever go away either. I have succeeded in making them a lot smaller, allowing them to bring on the tears less frequently, but they are there. The insecurities that those wounds gave me seep out at the most inconvenient of times and I wonder if that will ever really go away.
We all want the same end result. We all just want to be happy.
Getting there though…