Ripped In Half

A nagging deep in the back of your mind. A force, begging you to just look. Really fast before he comes back in the room.
Just look…
No reason behind it. No logic.

You realize how damaged a person is when you try to love them.

Labels, jealousy, insecurities.
These are all negative qualities. Qualities that someone who has been hurt over and over again develop.

All you want is to be loved. But that isn’t enough.
The anxiety is real. It’s overwhelming, painful, suffocating.

What if

You leave me, cheat on me, hurt me, disappear, don’t love me back, don’t think I’m pretty anymore, don’t want to marry me, blame me for things I can’t help.
The list can go on forever. Literally.

Push, push and push them away until they finally say they will go.
Beg, plead, cry for them to just stay. You can’t live without them.
Of course you can, you don’t want to.
You can’t stand the thought of feeling that loneliness all over again; of imagining them with someone else.
Why aren’t you good enough?
You are…
You just don’t believe you are.
They can love you madly but you won’t believe it.
No matter what they do or say.
It isn’t going to be enough right now.
Ever?

Damaged. Scared. Cynical. Torn.
Torn between wanting it and being scared to allow it in.
The label doesn’t matter, but it does.

The hurt is unnecessary, ridiculous.
You shouldn’t have looked, but you couldn’t stop yourself.
The self-control was as non-existent as the time you were dieting and the fries smelled so good…

Reverse it.
Are you innocent? Have you done the same things?
That can be justified though.
It always can.
Apples to apples.
No difference.
Except you are scared.
Scared to cut everything off in fear that this won’t work.
Tainting it before it even has a chance to succeed.
Maybe he is too.

Looking so you can blame? Maybe…
Now you can be the victim. Now you can be mad at him.
Now you can run away and spare yourself the hurt later.
It takes strength to stay. But is that right?
What is right?
Does right even exist?

The happily ever after.
That is what you want.
You can’t trust enough to allow it to happen though.
You run.

You create chaos and havoc and when you see an out, when you see that a mistake was made, you slide right in.
Blow it up. Question everything you have thought. Everything you believed. Who is this person? Are they even what you really want?
Honestly…
You don’t know do you?
You don’t know because you are that scared.
That scared that the answer is yes.
This is it.
This is forever.
This. Is. It.

That scared that the answer is no.
This isn’t it.
You have wasted your time.
Again.
This wasn’t the one.
This was never the one.
This one will leave you even more hurt than the last.

Damaged. Hurt. Ripped to shreds and put back together again.
So scared that you won’t recover this time.
You know you will.
That nagging though.
In the back of your mind.
It says you might not be OK again.
Angel and Devil.
Right and left.
Wrong and right.
Truth and lies.

Does anything work out anymore?
Are there happy endings?
Maybe it doesn’t even exist.
Maybe it doesn’t exist for you.

You realize how damaged you are when you try to let someone love you.

-S

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