Insecure, Damaged and Happy

I’m insecure.

I can pretend like I’m not, but when it all boils down to it, I am insecure.

(of a person) not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.
synonyms: unconfident, uncertain, unsure, doubtful, hesitant, self-conscious, unassertive, diffident, unforthcoming, shy, timid, retiring, timorous, inhibited, introverted

Sounds terrible…

On the outside, I can appear like I am completely in control. I can seem like I am confident in my decisions, and make everyone think that I know what I am doing. I can hide the fact that I am scared to death about something pretty well from the world.

I believe we are all insecure.
Maybe not as much as the next person, but on some level, we all are. We all put up with things we shouldn’t, in hopes of not losing someone or something. We all question ourselves when things don’t seem to be going as good as we’d like them to.
What is wrong with me?
We all stare at the perfect body as it walks by and suck our stomach in.
Maybe we don’t admit it, but we are all insecure to some degree.

I have been seeing someone for several months now. I feel confident in what we have. I feel secure with him, safe when he is there. My kids adore him. This is the first time since my divorce that a relationship feels real. It feels like this is really going somewhere. I feel good about it. Really good.

Unfortunately I can’t forget my past; I can’t erase the things I have been through or the losses that I have felt. They stay right there with me all the time. Even if I am over them, even if I have moved on and I no longer feel even the slightest bit of concern for those situations.
It’s still there.
The feeling of not being good enough or not being enough period, lingers in a dark space in the back of my mind… What if… What if that happens again?
That makes you insecure. It just does.

Confidence is so important. Knowing what you deserve and not settling for any less, is what is going to ultimately land you the happy life you have always wanted, that we have always wanted.

Something happens to your brain when you start to fall in love though… Something switches in us and we go from being in control of our emotions and feeling totally confident, to questioning what these crazy thoughts and feelings are, and what the Hell happened to the person we worked so hard to become.
Why does something that seems so insignificant bother us so much?
Causes us to stop and question every. single. thing.

The thought of losing something is unbearable, but the thought of being made a fool of can sometimes be even worse.
That’s where my struggle comes in.
I don’t want to make foolish decisions, ever. I don’t want to give foolish advice to the people I love going through these things either.
The fact of the matter is that we all deserve true happiness and if we are left questioning things more than we are left smiling; well, then something is wrong. I am constantly stuck between being in a state of pure, blissful happiness and fear.
Fear of the end.
Fear of the demise – again.
I wouldn’t wish the ending of a relationship on my worst enemy. The feelings and the heartache are no doubt one of the most excruciating types of emotional pain you can feel.
I do not want to experience that again.
Now having said that, I won’t find my forever without putting myself at risk. Risk of that exact thing happening again.
I have decided that the risk is worth it for me this time.
No doubt. I am giving this a chance, a fair chance.
Meaning, I won’t run.

That’s where my insecurities come in.
Just because I’m not going to run doesn’t mean that I don’t make it hard for him not to.
I question things that maybe shouldn’t be a big deal. I worry about things when I’m not even given a reason to worry.
When I am given a reason to worry, I question every aspect of why I even speak to him. It’s a fear that I am hopeful will dissipate one day but who knows when “one day” is.
When you get involved with a damaged person you are taking on a lot more than just a new relationship.
You are understanding and accepting that they will need more reassurance than your average individual. You are promising to be more honest and open than you have ever had to be before. Most importantly though, you are promising that you will understand their insecurities, that you will love them through them and commit to showing them you aren’t like everyone else has been… Not an easy job. Loving a damaged man or damaged woman demands patience. It means that you might not get to go at the regular pace most relationships seem to go in. It means you might need to hold them a little tighter, stare a little longer, compliment a little more. It also means that if they trust you, if they give you their whole heart, you have got to treat it like fine crystal. If you aren’t ready to do that, to give it all you have and to be patient while they work through their insecurities, don’t lead them to believe you are going to stay.
Just don’t.

So much of me is a new person. A confident, strong, independent me. I’m also realizing though, that so much of me isn’t any of those things. With each new step, new adventure, new relationship, I realize what I need to work on and what was damaged along the way. I am insecure and scared and excited and hopeful and confident all at the same time.




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