I Think This Is Goodbye

Part of changing and growing into the person we are really meant to be isn’t always rainbows and unicorns.
Sometimes it really stinks.
Sometimes it really hurts.
Hurts your heart.
It’s really been eye-opening and almost mind-boggling to come to the realization that not everyone gets to continue on with you for the long haul.

Some people are just toxic.

That has been really hard for me to accept and to really process. I like to look for the good in everyone. I like to avoid conflict. I’m still somewhat of a people pleaser. I think this comes from years of having so much conflict.
Now, I hate it.
I would rather us get along and feel a little stress than to cause any uproar.
I like to believe that people go through stuff and if you love them and support them, eventually they get out of it and they learn from their circumstances.

Over the past few years I have had to come to terms with the fact that no matter how badly you want to believe someone will change, or that they will care, or whatever it is you’re holding out for; some people just suck.
Some people are just happy with the drama; happy not caring about anyone but themselves.
Those people who can delete you from their lives but cry poor me when it happens to them.

I think we always know. We always know, maybe even from the beginning that the relationship with them is toxic.
Even if they are a genuinely good person. Sometimes people just don’t really mesh and it can’t turn into a healthy relationship for either side.
When you find yourself always feeling like you’re drained… Like you have just given all you can give and they still require more… When all you talk about consists of other people or what is upsetting or what doesn’t make sense or what needs to change…
It doesn’t matter if it’s been ten years or ten days; I think we feel the stress of them. You feel your blood pressure rise, you feel your breathing change, you know that this isn’t a healthy relationship.
This seems to be easier for men to recognize than women. I believe this is because women look at it with a nurturing, “it’ll get better”, “she’s just going through a lot right now” attitude. We tend to see the best, to try to be understanding, while men call it like it is.

I have stuck up for someone when my heart was tugging at me, telling me to just let it go. Even after feeling like I was genuinely being treated horribly I would still include them, just because I felt bad not doing so. All the while being told not to, that I was wasting my time. I have watched dear friends get cut out for selfish reasons, begged someone to leave things alone in hopes of avoiding anymore conflict and trying to repair things.
All for it to end anyway.
Some things cannot be repaired.
Once you cross a certain line – you really just can’t always go back again.
It’s a very sad realization.

It’s life though.

Not everyone is meant to continue on with you.
We can all find faults in each other. We can all point fingers and place blame. I like to believe that I have grown and learned to accept my part in things that go bad. I accept my mistakes and I am usually the first one to point out my own flaws. I will call you, I will ask why or I will explain myself if I feel as though I need to do that. I will let you know that I am here, whenever you’re ready, I am right here.
Accept your part. Accept when you have hurt people.
To be honest, it might not even matter.They might have just reached their own point of no return.
Acceptance and forgiveness are just as much for yourself as for the other party. Actually, sometimes it’s even more about you than the other person. When you go out of your way to make yourself feel better, at the expense of someone else or other people; you’re just as selfish as the moment you screwed up.
We all screw up. We all make mistakes.
It sucks but we’re human, it’s going to happen.
I am not the victim at all times anymore; been there, done that and it gets you nowhere.
If it’s better for someone to cut me out, then they most definitely should.
I understand that.
It hurts, it hurts to realize that you may be toxic to someone else.
Those moments are the perfect time to sit back, take some quiet time to yourself and evaluate your life.
Are you where you want to be?
What are you doing to get there?
I have spent so many nights just sobbing for no reason in particular. Just thinking about things; my life, my failed marriage, my stressed relationships, lost time… There are so many things we could have done differently. We can’t go back, but we have to make sure that we go forward in the direction we want to go in, with the people who want to help us get there. We have to surround ourselves with people who make us laugh so hard our bellies hurt. When relationships end, it doesn’t mean we failed; it just means that the time we had with that particular person is up.
For whatever reason.
No blame placed.
It’s just best that we lay that weight down right here in this spot and continue walking.

-S

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