Live Grenade

When you know you just know.
When it’s right, you’ll feel it.
Everything will just fall into place.

I’ve gone all this time believing that. I really believe that things would just feel right. when it was really right.

What if you’re always wrong though?
What if you’re entire past was composed of choosing wrong?
What if you really don’t even trust your own judgement in the “love” department anymore?
If you chose a life partner that can’t even have a full conversation with you about your kids then obviously your judgement on men must suck…
That just makes sense right?

I can spend hours searching on Pinterest pinning things to my “Maybe One Day” board. Pretty wedding ideas and cute flower girl dresses, even baby shower themes and adorable gender reveal parties.
I can’t even say the word “married” to my person without stuttering though.
Everything can be as close to perfect as perfectly possible but I still don’t trust myself.
I can find a flaw in a miracle.
Something so easy, so right and I see the end. I see the hurt, the pain, the heartache, the tears.
Something that can be fixed seems impossible.
Self-destruct.
Run.
Ruin it before it has a chance to ruin me…

We all want the same thing – to be happy. To be loved and to feel secure and safe with the person we can see ourselves with until the day we are no longer on earth.
It’s like a house, we all need a home. It starts as a shell; basic, roof, floors, whatever… We add on to that though, we might want a big jacuzzi tub or granite counters; kids, a big wedding, a career or to stay home with babies, an SUV, an amazing sex life, to feel wanted and appreciated, claimed, adored.
There is just so much that comes with the territory, with starting a life with someone. When you have failed so horribly in the past it’s easy to get scared, confused about what the most important aspects of your future should be. It’s easy to say that something doesn’t seem all that important anymore because you have fallen in love, when really it was all you have ever dreamed of… It’s easy to settle.
That word sucks.
That word is my nightmare.
My Hell.
Settle.
Allowing yourself to live a life that isn’t going to include everything you have always wanted.
That’s the reason for divorces and break ups and endings.
Why choose that...
Because you love them now. Because you can’t imagine life without them anymore. Because everything else you have ever wanted is in their eyes, their touch, their kiss…

We can be our own worst enemy. A live grenade that might detonate or might be a dud when it’s time to take that next step.
We don’t even know ourselves what will happen.
So we avoid it. We don’t think about it. It’s just entirely to difficult to imagine starting over again.
We are happy. I can see forever ahead of me. It looks happy. It looks fulfilling. It looks fun and adventurous. It looks like everything we have ever wanted. We have to decide what is unacceptable; we have to decide what is worth giving up to have him laying next to us when we fall asleep.
Is that really enough?
Time isn’t standing still… Time isn’t waiting for us to decide if it’s acceptable or not. Time will keep going by and we will keep growing older. Are we happy with the way life is now? Will it keep us happy throughout the rest of our lives? Or will we spend all this time now only to regret losing 10 years when we are 44?

-S

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