I Love Living Life

I was listening to a lady this morning on the radio; she was talking about having cancer. She said “I love living life.”
I don’t normally pay attention to what they say on those commercials. Normally I’m just waiting for a song to come on. For some reason today, that stuck with me.
Lately I haven’t been able to say I enjoy anything about living life. I am so damn stressed out. I can’t sleep. I don’t feel good. I want the month or the week and now the day, to just hurry up and go by. Curling up under my blanket and just ignoring life seems like the best idea anyone has ever had.

Tomorrow is huge. I remember hearing that August date so many months ago and not stressing it because it was so far off. As it has gotten closer I have been more and more uptight.
The anxiety level is insane.
Scary and unknowing.
I hate it.

Never once though have I stopped and thought that maybe that date wouldn’t get here. Never once have I stopped to think about the fact that I’m just hoping the days hurry by, but what if they stopped?

Last night I did.
Driving and a semi pulled out in front of me. I could’ve kept going my same speed and ran right into the side of it.
No more stressing.
No more anxiety.
No more worrying.
Because sometimes it really feels like if you weren’t around people would be so much better off.
I would never, could never, really do that. I’d be more likely to die from trying to not die by hitting the semi…
Sometimes life is just so hard.
Sometimes it feels like everything that comes your way is bad.
A tragedy.
An annoyance.
An inconvenience.
A stress.
Sometimes it feels like every decision you make is a bad one.
The wrong one.
One that you’re going to pay for later.
Sometimes it feels like you are walking around with a big black rain cloud over your head.
Sometimes it’s super easy to forget how blessed you are.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that you have so much to be happy about.
And I do.

I have so much to be thankful for.
I have so much to be strong for.
I have so much to stand tall against him for.
I have come such a long way and just by feeling so horrible sometimes I feel selfish.

He has a way of tearing me down and I have a way of letting him. I let him get in my head. It doesn’t matter how much I know what he says isn’t true.
He’s a bully. A silent bully to most, but a bully in every aspect of the term. Getting in your head to scare you and get you as paranoid as he can.
I guess sometimes that part takes a lot longer to completely go away…
I know the only hold he has on me is the kids.
The thought of anything happening to them can send me to my knees faster than someone can yell STOP.
They are my heartbeat.
My reason for living.
They are the only way he can get to me…

Tomorrow I know will be fine. I don’t know if it will be the end, but I do know it will be the day I prove to him that he no longer has control. He no longer gets to call the shots. Tomorrow may be insignificant to most people, but to me, tomorrow will be the day I show him how much I love living now. Tomorrow will be the day that he realizes what was lost, what was ruined and what was taken for granted. Tomorrow he will see that my babies are my only priority and he doesn’t run that show anymore.
I will cry.
I will get a headache and I will probably feel like collapsing, but tomorrow I will stick up for us.
I do love living life.
I have a lot of it left to do with the people I love the most. He can’t take away those people. He can’t stop me from living anymore.

-S

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