I Don’t Want To Be Ugly

Overwhelmed feels like an understatement right now.
Drowning. Sinking. Falling. Collapsing. Fading.
Those seem more accurate.

When it rains, it pours.
One step forward, two steps back.
Those are all sayings that we hear all the time.

Fall down on your knees and crawl your way back up.
The view is way better at the top.
Totally worth it.
It will get better.
Everything is going to be okay.

My God does it ever end?
It really doesn’t need to be this hard.
I’m not a superstar or actress or singer and neither is he.
So why?
Why does it have to be so complicated?
Why does the communication have to be so exhausting?
Why can’t he just speak to me?
Parent with me?
Why does this have to be so ridiculous?

My whole life I have been a pleaser. I know it. I hate it and I am so sick of it. It makes me mad. It’s what other people see me as though. I can’t agree or be happy or even sad without it being because I’m the pleaser. I get taken advantage of and screwed over all the time.
I’d rather not fight. Fighting is exhausting. Fighting makes everyone miserable and wrinkly and ugly. A miserable person is an ugly person. I don’t want to be ugly.
I don’t want to fight. I am tired of being screwed over though. Tired of being the one that takes the fall. Tired of going out of my way to help people who wouldn’t lift a finger for me.
Tired of being tired.
I guess there’s a thin line between being a people pleaser and just not wanting to fight anymore.
I avoid arguments. I spent so much of my life fighting, arguing, defending myself, praying and hoping that I was enough to keep someone happy.
It got me nowhere.
It got me where I am right now.
Still fighting a fight that seems as though it will never end.
A fight that is leaving me feeling like I can’t get out of bed in the morning, but I can’t fall asleep at night either.
A fight to keep him and now a fight to make him go away. It has been one long fight from the moment I laid eyes on that damn red hat.
Parts of me want to collapse.
Parts of me just want someone to take over for me.
Love me.
Help me.
Just fix it for me.
Please.
Other parts of me know that I have to stand firm.
I have to finish this fight no matter what it does to me.
I have to prove to no one but myself that I can do this.
I can stick up for myself and no one runs my life but me.
It’s so hard.
One more week.
One more week and then it can all be over.
I can’t back down.
I have to stay strong.
I feel like this has aged me 10 years.
The anxiety and the chest pains, the back and forth and begging and pleading and constant feeling of my every move being scrutinized is sometimes just too much to handle. Right now is one of those times…
If I give up I haven’t learned a thing though.
All of this, this blog, this battle, this time being alone, deciding I deserve so much more and that I am worth so much more than he made me feel I was worth… All for nothing.
How disgusting would that be?
We deserve a life of happiness.
I deserve to feel whole again, complete.
Not like a failure or like my life had been wasted spending every moment making sure everyone else was happy but my turn never came.
I have to believe that my turn is coming.
Any day now I will spin the wheel and I will make it to the finish line and the game will be over.
The end.
You don’t control me anymore. I can stand tall on my own.
I have to.

-S

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