Un-Anniversary

Yesterday would have been my wedding anniversary.
Every year it gets a little easier to forget that the dates should mean something or used to mean something or that it isn’t even just a number on the calendar. I guess that should be considered a good thing…
Some people remember the date their divorce was final. I don’t even know that day. I have our anniversary etched in my mind because that was a date that I would remember every year for the rest of my life. Kind of like the birthday of one of my kids or something.
The first year we didn’t celebrate it felt like a failure. A failed day. A day to remember everything I did wrong. The next one and the next one got a little easier.
With forgiving myself and learning what the real problem was, I felt a little more and more at ease with it. I think I wrote about it last year at this time also. I remember being upset last year and then realizing I was off a year anyway. It wasn’t even the un-anniversary I was thinking it was. That was a big deal, it meant I was forgetting. I was letting it go. I wasn’t placing as much importance on that day as I used to.
This year I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t upset. I thought about it for a minute when someone asked me what day it was, but it was literally just a brief thought.
I was reminded though that we all deal with these things differently. We all heal differently and deal with things on our own timeline.
When I think back to who I was when we split up, when I realize just how far I have come, I really amaze myself. If I were standing face to face with the girl who lost her husband, whose family was torn apart and she was absolutely helpless; I wouldn’t recognize her.
The people who loved me the most knew I always had this hidden S inside of me. They always told me that one day I would realize that I didn’t need anyone who didn’t need me. They always told me that I was strong. Strength. They always said I could overcome anything. Fall all the way down but I would manage to come back up. They told me I would find happiness once I found it within myself first. They always made sure I knew that once I realized I didn’t have to settle, that I would be OK alone, that then I would find someone to compliment my life. Someone to make me smile and laugh and that all the things I placed so much importance on would seem so unimportant and I would see what true happiness could really look like.
I have always annoyed the people who wanted to help me, I didn’t make it easy for them to help me and I made it even harder for them to love me. I felt so weak and so helpless that it became extremely important that I handled as much as I could all on my own. Letting someone in, completely in, exposing my fears and my flaws has been the hardest part of learning to deal with and accept who I really am.
No one is perfect, no one wants perfect… I was just told that. I know I have been told before. I don’t know why that has always been so hard for me. Probably because I really do associate imperfection with failure in regards to my life. At 34 I thought I would have it all together and I don’t. I’m so far from it that it really is crazy. It’s me though. My imperfect life is me. It’s enough for the ones that love me. Not all of the ones that I thought would be there to see these moments are around anymore. If it was that easy for them to fall out of my life though, how much did they really love me? I have learned that if I reach out and I don’t get any response, they must not want or need me in their lives either. Yes, it’s sad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s life. As we grow we can’t expect everyone to understand the changes we make within ourselves. We can’t expect the same people to always be standing there, if we’re lucky we end up with the ones who truly love and care about us though.
I wish I had the words to properly explain what letting go of the negative and cutting out the drama does for someone. The feeling you get when you finally realize you can’t control everything. The relief you feel when you step aside and let someone who wants to help you, wants to stick up for you, actually do it.
Amazing.
I’m always cynical when it comes to new things but for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful. Hopeful and at ease. Life is good. As imperfect as it is and as many stressful things as there are to deal with still; it’s good. I think I’m getting there. I’m definitely closer than I have ever been before. I am so grateful for the people who have stuck by me and have loved me even when I haven’t been perfect. Those are the people I hope I make it to the end with…

-S

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