It’s a Madhouse Sometimes

I’ve been crazy, scared, panicked and paranoid. I have felt like I needed to change and like they needed to change. Pretended to be different, watched my mouth, found new recipes, said I like a different team or pretended to know more or less about different things.. Slept with gum in my mouth so maybe I wouldn’t have bad morning breath; snuck off to the bathroom before they woke up to brush my hair and put a little “natural” color on my face. I’ve rolled over and they’ve been gone without saying goodbye; I’ve made them roll over to an empty bed also. Stayed up all hours of the night pretending to not be tired or laying there saying I’m exhausted just because they were.

Work.
It has always been work.
When I think about all these stupid things I have done just to try to make someone like me more or because I was scared they liked me too much, I realize that the only reason it was all so hard was because I made it that way.
I made it hard. I pretended because I thought I wanted them. I put up with less because I thought it was the best I would get. I put up with someone not wanting a relationship when I was really falling in love because I was afraid I couldn’t survive without them. I pretended like I wanted more when they seemed like they did. What if this was it? What if I didn’t jump at this “opportunity” and I realized I missed out after it was too late? What if no one ever loved me again or worse; what if I never fell any stronger than I did at this very moment again?

I am divorced because I realized I settled. I allowed things to take place in my life that I know I didn’t want, didn’t like, didn’t agree with. Why would I go through all of that pain and heartache to come out of it doing the same exact thing only worse? Why would I subject my kids to us separating and dealing with a divorce to just go back to the same things again?
Because it is the same thing basically. The same unhappy, unsettling feeling would eventually come back. I would eventually wonder why he didn’t want to call me his, why he liked me enough to sleep with me but not to announce to the world I was his girl. I would wonder why he fell so fast or why his cute clinginess, which really bothered me but I ignored it, was now an annoying jealousy. I would wonder why he didn’t want to kiss me in the morning unless I had brushed and flossed and I would wonder why he only called me pretty when I had a fresh face full of makeup… If his drinking bothers me slightly why should I pretend like I think he’s funny when he’s drunk? If he doesn’t want kids and I have three, why should I try to justify that in my mind? I did all of these things because I wanted it so badly. I preached about being strong and independent but I couldn’t survive the mere thought of seeing him with someone else.

It’s a joke.

It really is true that if you can’t be alone you shouldn’t be with someone. If you have to force it or compromise yourself or your beliefs or morals or values, or Hell, just changing the way you sleep or eat or go through your day – it isn’t right. It isn’t real and it won’t last forever. He won’t be the one sitting on a park bench with you when your 85. If he is, one of you will be miserable.

Obviously I’m not a relationship expert but I have learned a lot from all of my mistakes. All of my settling and freaking out and rushing… I learned a lot from my divorce and from falling in love with my high-school sweetheart with zero closure until 16 years later. I might not have a love that people can admire, but I do know disaster when I see it and I know what not to do… Sometimes we need to experience it ourselves for it to make any sense and I get that too; that’s me. I have to do it all wrong myself so that I can be sure it really is wrong. I have learned this though, if you have to force it, if you have to stress, it isn’t right. Relationships take work, we need to work at them, but forcing and compromising yourself isn’t the same thing…

Last night I laid on my couch and I watched my house turn into a zoo; literally had an alligator there at one point. I was stressing. I started to get uptight, I could feel it. Before it got too bad I was told “just chill, they’re kids.” Diner was a disaster, or so I thought it would be because I was missing an ingredient, an ingredient that as it turned out wasn’t even anything anyone there liked. Again, “chill, this is life.” And it is life. It’s my life. It will be my life for awhile and even though it can get extremely overwhelming at times, I love it.

I went to bed and I probably snored a little, I woke up with morning breath and didn’t brush my hair before seeing him. As crazy as the night was, part of me thought that despite everything I have learned over the years that maybe I should have tried to control everything more. Just to make it look like a more “normal” house, a more calm, relaxed place to come to and not the madhouse that it really is… That would be fake though, and if anything is ever going to work it has to be real. So my stinky breath said “have a great day” and gave him a kiss goodbye as I kicked the nerf gun out of my way.

-S

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