The weekends and free nights spent with him ended just as smoothly as they began. One dinner that turned into a whirlwind of 4 months of learning, growing understanding and passion like I didn’t know existed is over. We will meet for brunch; we like laughing over mimosas and Bloody Mary’s and we will do it again in a few weeks. The daily texting and talking has ceased and we only check in on each other every so often. He knows he is bad for me and I know I deserve more than he could give. I’m OK with it. I’m happy right now. I am in a really good place. Despite life’s everyday ups and downs I am good. I do think back about those 4 months though. I think about why and how things are the way they are and why people who seem to have so much in common and such a connection can be so different. How people who can be such deep, intimate friends yet can’t even agree on the littlest things. How do you trust someone with your life but not to go to the store and back? I know I say it a lot but life is just so weird… Someone can mean the world to you today and next year they won’t even be a Facebook friend. How are people who seem to be so carefree also so careful? How is it that some of us are so uptight but we blurt out how we feel without thinking for even 10 seconds?
He would type out a text, wait 10 minutes and then either hit send or delete it. I remember thinking he was insane. Who has that kind of self-control? He told me that it has saved him on several occasions. Saved him from saying something out of anger or lust… He was spared a lot of what would be regret. He would let things sink in and not act in haste.
I believe we meet people for a reason. People come in our lives at certain times to teach us things about ourselves that we wouldn’t figure out on our own without them. He taught me a lot, but one of the things that really have stuck with me is how laid back he is. How go with the flow, how don’t stress things you can’t change or fix he is… He could be a downright asshole don’t get me wrong; but he thinks about it and is fully aware of what the outcome may be.
He enjoys life. To the fullest. Doesn’t need anyone that doesn’t need him. He knows that everything that goes up must come down and believes that what goes down will bounce back up again.
When he came into my life I was an uptight mess. I needed to know what was coming, what would happen when it came and what would be the outcome. I needed details and I needed them pronto. My hair had to be perfect and makeup always on. I still ask 1,000 questions and I still over think; but he taught me to relax a little more than I thought possible.
Every person that comes into my life teaches me something. I might not realize what it was until after the fact but they have all been worth every second of my time. He was fun. An escape. Go with the flow. Chill. I could never be around someone so carefree every day for the rest of my life and I realized that pretty early on, I fought it obviously; but I know that I need stability and security and a guy like that just can’t provide it. He probably could in the past, before whatever burned him so bad made him just not give a shit about anything anymore. That kind of carefree attitude is great if your life only consists of yourself. It doesn’t work when you have other people to think about, little people who depend on you.
He was perfect for getting me through my “I’m stuck” phase. I was worried and stressed and I wasn’t enjoying life at all. He was just what I needed to get me through that time. I had moments where I thought maybe it would be more. Maybe he would realize that I was worth calming down for, worth making some big boy, adult decisions for. My head knew that was never really true though. He was going to be around for a good time, not a long time. He would be there for a party but not for a tragedy. I wouldn’t even ask him to be. He wasn’t emotionally capable.
So how can someone who is so carefree be so careful when talking, texting, arguing, responding but someone as uptight as I was couldn’t stop myself from pressing send? Maybe that’s how he could be so carefree. He was calculated in the things that he knew he couldn’t live with regret over. He thought before saying how he felt because that sticks forever. You can’t take your words back. You can’t unsend your text. If he was going to live this happy-go-lucky life he couldn’t afford to make those kind of mistakes.
So much can change in just a minute. 60 seconds. Sometimes less.
A look, a spark, a memory or flashback, a text that you sent, a picture you see or a status you glance at…
In a matter of a moment your whole world can change.
I can’t type something out and wait 10 minutes. I can’t pretend like I don’t care about something. I can’t keep myself from feeling how I feel. I can find a lesson in how he lives his life though. I can be thankful that his unstable yet calculated crazy ass was a part of my life when he was. I can look at the pictures and not be sad because I learned from it all. I learned a lot about who I am, I learned what is OK and what isn’t… I learned to stop questioning myself so much.
Not everyone we meet can be in our lives forever, but I really feel like it’s important to recognize the part they played while they were. Not every ending has to be bad but we do need to accept that relationships sometimes need to end. Not everyone we love is healthy for us or meant to be around forever. We have to learn to recognize what we need, what is best for us and what will encourage us to be better… I think it’s always a learning process and it’s taken me awhile to admit that the relationships that ended were good for me. They have all helped to shape me; even the crazy ones.