I Deserve More But Do I Want More?

Years of saying what we want and what we deserve and what we will wait for; it stands right in front of your face and you screw it up.

What the serious Hell!?

Is it that it’s just too good to be true?
Is it that we don’t really think we deserve it?
Is it that we don’t really want it?
Do we enjoy being miserable?

Maybe we need the drama.
Maybe some of us say we want normal but we really thrive on the drama. On the crazy. Maybe we get bored with the routine; with just sitting on the couch, snuggling with a genuinely good person.
Maybe some of us just aren’t cut out for the normal, routine, relaxed life.
Maybe some of us won’t ever believe that we really deserve to be loved unconditionally.

All we want is to walk in after work and hear “Hey babe, did you have a good day?”
Some of us find that and it’s still not enough. Something always feels like it’s missing.
Some of us thrive on not knowing what we will walk into. Not knowing what this afternoon will bring us. We need attention. Negative, positive, as long as it’s on us…

Something is missing. The thing is figuring out what that something is…

Why do some of us feel the need to fix everything?
Why do some of us feel so hurt from the past that we can’t move on in the future?
Why is it so hard to let go and really realize what we deserve?
Why can’t we wait for it?
Are we worried we’ll be waiting until we die?
Are we afraid that we don’t really deserve it?
How long should we punish ourselves for?
The greater question though, is when we finally catch a glimpse of what could be everything we have ever wanted, why do we ruin it?

We’re all damaged. We have all been hurt.
We are all lost in some degree. In our 30’s we can all say we have given our heart away at least once and had it returned to us looking like roadkill.
Our priorities become majorly screwed up as we go on in life. I don’t know when or why or even how but they definitely do.

Women go on the spark, the chemistry, the passion, the amazing connection, the sex…
When he says he doesn’t want anything right now, we can’t let the spark go. Something is causing it. Something is there, if it weren’t then the sex couldn’t possibly be this great… We want what doesn’t want us. What we can’t have. We hang on to the hope that one day…

So one day there’s this amazing person that does want us, loves us, likes us, worships the very road we are standing on and we let them go. We let them go because we are waiting for that spark, that chemistry to turn into something.
I get it but I don’t… Like it’s just unbelievable that something so good could really be happening. It’s so much easier to cry, to wonder, to be the “victim”, to have something to complain about and stay in a not so ideal situation than to be genuinely happy.
How twisted is that?
Our minds do it. Our minds screw us up. We remember the spark, the amazing sex, the good stuff but fail to let the bad sink in to the point that we really don’t accept less than we truly deserve ever again. Being lonely is hard. Laying in bed alone at night when your babies are gone is not fun.
Hurting sucks.
No matter what or how we look at it, it sucks. It’s hard. Life is so hard. We make it harder for some reason though. It’s so much easier to settle; to jump in for all the wrong reasons.
We hang on for dear life so we don’t have to start all over again. We preach and chant about what we deserve, what we wont settle for and then we do it anyway.

Love, pain, loneliness, hurt, sadness, regret, happiness, bitterness – they all ruin us from the inside out and no one can stop the pattern except for us. Starting at 34 sounds a lot better than Starting at 44. We need to remember that. We have to remember what I deserve…

-S

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