I Didn’t Mean To

I think of you
I stop right where I am
I feel so much in that moment
I want to cry and smile, giggle
Yes, at the same time
I lose my breath
My chest tightens

I feel you
Close to me
I can feel your arms around me
I can hear your laugh
I can see your eyes
I can see the past
I can envision the future

The tears burn
They burn but I refuse to let them fall
I’m not a child
I know I don’t always get my way
I can’t always get what I want

I want you
I want us

I want you there when I wake up
I want to tell you good morning
Good night
Tell you I love you every chance I get
Whisper it in your ear
Scream it across the room
I want your arms wrapped around me
I want your legs entwined with mine while I asleep

I want you next to me
My person
My partner
My teammate
My best friend
I want you there
For everything

Everything I do is attached to you now
There is a memory with you for everything
How did that happen

You stopped
Maybe it was too crowded
At the fork we split
That happens I guess

I see you in the future
Do you look that far
Do you see me there too
Sometimes I wonder if you see anyone or anything there

I can see your face
Every detail
Part of me knows I need to let it go
The other part feels like fighting to hold on
Fighting to get it back
To keep it

I can’t though
I can’t keep fighting
The hoping and wishing is draining

I love you
I will never say those words to you
The tears burn
You will never see them fall
I ache
I ache for you
For us

You will never know
I’m letting go
I have to

Thank you
You brought me to life
I am who I am because I fell in love with you
I found you when I needed to
I needed you
You saved me when I didn’t know I needed to be saved

I will always see your face
I will always smile when I think of you
I will cherish the memories we made
I didn’t mean to love you but I always will

-S

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