He told me he was a bad boyfriend.
He said he wasn’t ever going to settle down.
Didn’t want a girlfriend or to ever get married again.
I heard him.
Really, I heard every word.
I can’t be mad or angry.
I listened to the words as they came out of his mouth and then walked right into his arms.
There isn’t anyone to blame but myself.
It’s another one of those things that we single, divorced ladies must go through I guess.
I hate it.
I hate the way it feels.
My heart aches. The pit of my stomach is in knots. I’m fighting back the tears.
I can’t be mad at anyone but myself though, and I’m not.
I’m not mad, I’m not angry.
The shit just hurts.
I don’t know what I wanted. I don’t know if in my heart I expected anything else.
Maybe I thought I was different.
I know better than any of that though.
I know that this feeling sucks. I know that it’s just not something I ever want to feel.
I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to cry, I don’t want my heart to ache.
Sometimes it feels like I haven’t learned a thing.
Sometimes I think I really haven’t.
I know that isn’t true.
I know I have, but dammit…
It feels the same every time.
Some worse than others, but always the same really.
Being without a guy you start hearing the same things over and over again; “you’re such a good catch, you’ll find someone S.” “you just aren’t settling, maybe you shouldn’t be so picky.” “one day you’ll find someone who will treat you like a princess.”
When is it my turn?
That’s what hurts.
When do the rest of us get to have someone chase us?
When do we get to feel like we are the most amazing girl on the planet?
Does it just not happen for some us?
We spend our whole lives hoping, wishing, waiting and wanting to only end up settling; by the time we realize we settled and we deserve better did our time run out?
Game over. Chances Gone.
That is what this feels like.
I’m not mad or angry.
I can’t be.
I walked right into it with my heart fully exposed knowing what would happen.
He owes me nothing and I owe him nothing.
It was fun while it lasted.
So much fun.