It Won’t Ever Be More

When I’m asked “So what’s up with you and _______?” I always answer the same way, because it’s the truth.
My answer is “It’s fun, we have a good time, it won’t ever be anything more though.”
I spend all this time saying that I’m OK with things like that. I don’t need the stress of making someone else happy or of needing to constantly think about someone else. I don’t have the time for that right now. I have so much going on that I can’t handle anything else.
That’s true.
To an extent.

It’s also true that I want to be wanted. I want to be missed. I want someone to want to make me happy, to see me smile and that makes them smile. I want someone to be excited to see me and to call me to tell me about their day. I want to be asked how my day was, how work was, how my daughters’ game went or how my sons’ broken foot is doing after his appointment. I want someone to be thinking all day about coming home to me, just to hug and kiss me when they walk in the door. I want someone to sit at the table and tell me about their day while I make dinner. Someone to lay with at night and just talk about life.

I’m OK if I don’t have it. I’m content with my life and my independence these days. I don’t need it like I used to, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it or that I won’t ever want it again.

I really believe that the suffocating, overbearing feeling I get when I am with someone in the beginning of “things” is just an indication that they aren’t the right one. When it is the right one I think I will be so happy to see them that it won’t feel negative.
It will be right. It will feel right.

So my issue with myself is why am I even entertaining something if I know it won’t be “anything”?

The reasons I came up with might be silly to someone who has never been divorced, someone who has never gone through a life altering break-up. To the ones that have though, I think they will totally get it.

It’s a distraction.
Lonely nights at home don’t have to be so lonely. Sitting at home all alone, the kids are gone and you have nowhere to go… What happens? You get out a bottle of wine and you lose yourself in thought. Thoughts about everything you did wrong, thoughts about everything that asshole did right. You blame yourself and you wallow in self-pity. You end up with an awesome, depressing, sad, pitiful buzz and you cry until your eyes are so puffy that tomorrow you won’t be able to see. You just lost a free night when you know they don’t come around very often. Why not go somewhere that you can turn your mind off? Don’t think, don’t stress. Just enjoy yourself with no strings attached, no complications.

The kids aren’t affected.
If he is gone in a few months or you end up never speaking again, your kids aren’t hurt. They won’t miss him. They won’t ask where he went or why he doesn’t come by anymore. They won’t ask anything because they don’t know enough about him, if anything at all, to even care.

No hard feelings.
When he doesn’t morph into your idea of Prince Charming you won’t be hurt because you never really expected him to do that anyway. You started the whole thing with the mindset of “it’s going to end soon anyway” so when it does, it might bum you out a little but you knew it was coming. There won’t be any miserable goodbyes or awkward meetings.

Friends forever.
In my particular situation I learned that he cared about me. He was interested in what I liked and disliked but that was the extent of it. If I needed to rant about something personal, he would listen without judgement but he would never ask about personal things or anything that may get me all worked up, so I didn’t rant, I relaxed. It was about he and I. Not our families or our past or work or finances. He got to know me for me and that’s a bond that will last on at least a friendship level forever.

No arguing.
All the things that cause arguments never came up. We didn’t argue. It was fun and fun doesn’t involve serious stuff. If I felt like I could spend my life with him then that would really hurt, it would hurt that he didn’t ask about my world. Since I knew he was my distraction, my relaxation, I didn’t care. No fighting or arguing is worth it in itself, especially when you know he won’t be your lifelong guy.

No dissapointments
I’ve been hurt. I’ve felt rejection. I felt used, unworthy and unwanted. All those negative things that come along with a relationship that goes wrong. When you aren’t waiting for anything, a proposal, a profession of love, a fireworks display when you kiss, then when it doesn’t happen you aren’t heartbroken. Again, maybe a little bummed because I’m a girl and all girls on some level hope the sappy love story will happen to them, but you aren’t distraught and miserable and lost for days, weeks or even years.

As I’m writing this all out I realize that it might sound like the whole thing is completely heartless and cold.
It wasn’t and I don’t want it to seem like it was.
It was just different.

In the beginning some things stung a little, but that’s because my heart is programmed to be caring, nurturing, motherly. I needed to be different so it would work. I don’t mean that I needed to change myself, I mean that I needed to get out of what was normal or comfortable for me. My auto-pilot is set to Mom/Wife all the time. I need to make sure everyone is OK and everyone is accounted for and happy and clean and blah blah blah.
I never allow anyone to do that for me.
Being in a relationship (for lack of a better word) like this, strengthens you or it strengthened me. It forced me out of my comfort zone.
It made me (or he made me), sit back and relax, shut my mind off, just let it all go. He wouldn’t entertain my shitty moods or my attitudes therefore I immediately got out of them.
It was just fun.
Fun all the time.
Every time I saw him, fun.
Laugh out loud fun.

Being in a dead-end, non-committed relationship was exactly what I needed to reconnect with the pieces of myself that died off after having kids and getting married then divorced. The pieces of me that really lived. The piece of me that didn’t care if the windows were down and my hair got messed up. The piece of me that woke up on Saturday morning in the same clothes I went to sleep in and went out for a mimosa with no makeup on after brushing my teeth with my finger, not giving who I might see a second thought. The free spirit, love me or hate me I really don’t care me.
I like her.
I forgot just how much.
I wouldn’t want to be her everyday anymore, but knowing that S, remembering she existed, connecting with her again and letting her come back to life in my soul allowed me to really feel like my whole self again.
I had also forgotten that just because I could still feel that way I would still be able to love my children. To be a great Mom. To cook a nice dinner and clean my house. I forgot that I could be the free me and still be successful in my real life. I could separate things.

I am a better Mom now because of that never going anywhere relationship.
I remember when I used to blare the music and dance around the house with my kids. I remember when I would roll the windows down and sing at the top of my lungs no matter how silly I looked. I remember when we would wash the cars and turn the hoses on each other for fun, not being mad because I got wet.
I remember when I would smile more than I would yell. I remember what it was like to not be so damn bitter and resentful all the time.

Being in an “it’s never going anywhere” relationship reminded me that yes, I got divorced. I went through Hell. It sucks and I don’t ever want to go through it again. I won’t ever forget what I have learned by going through a life altering loss like that. My family breaking apart into just as many pieces as my heart was will never leave me.
Yes, it changed me, but behind all that grey, dark, ugly cement that built up around my heart ~ my heart and soul were still the same. They were still the way it was before all the ugly stuff overtook it.
I found me again. It’s so crazy because I thought I already had.
I realize now though, with each new experience I find more pieces of myself. I don’t know if you’re ever really done.
I kind of hope not.
I want a “it’s going somewhere” relationship. I want to be loved. I want to be in love. That is such an amazing feeling. I don’t want to be bitter about love. I really hope I find it. If not, that’s OK with me also but I can admit now that I do want it. Real, intense, passionate, lifelong love. I still don’t know if I would ever get married again but I really think I might want too. If I found my forever partner, why not? He better at least propose and propose in an awesome, unforgettable way!

-S

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