Enough is Enough

A person can only take so much.

That’s a saying that I have heard over and over and over throughout my life. There have been a ton of times that I can remember thinking I was at that point.
I was pushed to the end and I couldn’t take anything else. I felt like that was the last time I was going to let that person have control over my feelings. Because that’s what it is you know, when you get angry or hurt or sad, you’ve let someone or something control your feelings. A person can only hurt you if you allow them to. So many times I have questioned the way I feel when I see or speak to someone. Why? If I know that they hurt me or I feel sad or angry by the way they react to me or respond to me or whatever the case may be, then why go back? Not just once but over and over and over. If I know that my text or my call or email won’t get a reply then why send it? It’s basically self-destruction. I am basically hurting myself.
Why?

Because I hadn’t yet reached my breaking point; I wasn’t really at my end.
I couldn’t be. The end means no more.
Finished.
If I go back for one more punch to the gut then obviously I’m not done.

I’ve learned that is just me. That’s my personality, my heart. I give fifteen chances. I go back again just in case maybe they realized they were hurtful or selfish or out of line; maybe they realized they did react (or not react at all) in the wrong way. Maybe their heart is now full of love and is pure and genuine…
Stupid.
Well, I shouldn’t say stupid necessarily because it can happen. As silly as I might sound, I really do believe people can change. I believe they can realize their mistakes and try to live a better life moving forward.
I also believe that a lot of someones behaviors in the past can pretty accurately determine their behavior in the future as well though. I believe just like an alcoholic that has been clean for months can take a drink and fall back into old habits, so can a cheater or an abuser or a people pleaser or whatever the case may be. A dieter that eats a brownie then binges for a night before getting back on track again.
It happens and I believe that’s why I tend to give so many chances. I know people mess up and then get back on track, I’ve done it. I know hindsight is 20/20 and I don’t believe that I have the right to judge or deny someone something based off of a few bad judgement calls.

But enough really is enough.
There is a distinct difference in the way you feel when you just can’t take anymore and when you have seriously just had enough.
A huge difference.

For me, when I’m angry but not completely done, I want an explanation, I want to know why, I want to let the other person or people know how I feel and why and how the way they behaved or didn’t behave has hurt me or affected me. In my mind they’re human so if they know how they’ve made me or my kids or someone I love feel, then they would obviously understand, apologize, attempt to reconcile the issues.
Over the years I have learned that way of thinking is immature and quite frankly very naive. If they can behave like that, hurt me, hurt kids, and then I feel like I owe them an explanation in order to receive an apology or some kind of resolution?
Come on…
That person or people obviously owe me, you, whomever, an apology or some kind of conversation out of respect or kindness or consideration at the very least. If I have to ask for that why should I want it?

It has taken being completely done to realize these things. It took me feeling hurt and betrayed one last time to realize that the feeling is much different.
It feels final.
Almost kind of empty.
My mind sort of says “again??” and then it’s done.
I don’t want to know why, because I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to know your reason because there just couldn’t ever be a good enough one.
I don’t care if I never see another status update from you or if you block me completely, don’t ever make eye contact again, fine with me. I don’t care if I’ve known you since conception or if I met you last year and we just clicked. If you can hurt and betray and just completely disregard mine or my kids or any human beings feelings or emotions or life or any of that stuff, then I just don’t see how you’re worth my sadness or anger or hurt.
Sure it’s a loss and that isn’t easy, but after it happening over and over and over again? The loss is a lot easier to swallow.

Being kind, thoughtful and forgiving are all wonderful qualities and it just means you have a huge heart. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
For me, I spent so many years remembering all of the not so good things I had done. All the things that hurt people, that caused my family and whoever else stress or that made life more difficult because I was being selfish or maybe just because I was a stressed out, confused teenager that needed a little more guidance. Whatever the case may be, I spent years trying to fix or make up for those things. I spent so long feeling like I didn’t deserve to be treated with kindness or respect; I felt like I deserved to be lied to or called a name or whatever. Anytime anything negative happened I was ready with an excuse as to why it was OK and would say I probably had it coming. Maybe some of that is true, maybe for a little while I needed to be extremely aware of the things I said or did. I needed to be even more forgiving or kind or appreciative or grateful. At some point though I realized that I need to move on. You have to move on. You can’t let the fact that you called someone an ass or didn’t give them your attention over someone else become an excuse for them to bash you over and over again for years. It just isn’t healthy.

I know that is why I allow so much to happen before I am really, truly and finally done. I would crave acceptance, love and forgiveness but when I got it I wouldn’t understand why, or feel like I really deserved it. That’s such a twisted circle. A circle I am not allowing my kids to enter. There will be no question as to whether they deserve love and forgiveness.
None.
Maybe that’s why I can now feel the finality of really being done.
Maybe that’s why I can finally say enough is enough.
A person can only take so much.
I’m a little behind but I can finally say I know exactly what that means and exactly how it feels.

-S

IMG_6529

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s