Don’t Ask The Question If You Don’t Want To Know The Answer

I always pick wrong.
It never fails. This stupid aching in the pit of my stomach.
The hurt. The sadness.
It’s like I enjoy it.
Of course I don’t, but at the same time – I must!
It’s time to face the reality that what I want just simply doesn’t exist.
It just doesn’t and until I am either ready for more or willing to accept less, this pattern will just continue.

I didn’t meant to like him as much as I did.
I didn’t mean to let him slip into my heart, but he did.
Dammit he did.
It’s so frustrating.

I really don’t know what I expect. It’s fun and silly and I can escape.
I love that.
I love not having to label and not having to explain myself.
I can’t be in a position right now where I’m responsible for anyone else’s happiness.
I just can’t.
At the same time though – fun and carefree never ends well, at least for me anyway.
I know that.
I know that eventually I do care and I know that the no rules, no labels way to go about things works on both sides. My no rules is much different from a guys no rules.
Obviously.

So when you find out that the no rules, no answering to each other or explaining yourself is much different on the other side of the coin how do you handle it?
You can’t get mad. No rules are being broken, no one is cheating or abusing anything. That’s how we set it up, what we agreed on.
That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. That on some level I wasn’t expecting to be enough and once again I came up just a little short.
What a shitty feeling.
Even when it’s your decision it hurts.

Sometimes I think that I do it to myself. I tell myself I don’t want more, because I don’t but then I think I get all caught up in it. Then I find myself in a shitty situation. I like him, he has fun with me.. Yay.

Now on the flip side of that are the ones that actually do want more.
They treat you amazing. Tell you how much they like you and they want to spend every day with you. I can’t deal with that. I feel smothered and I start to itch all over. They call you during the day just to talk, I don’t have time to “just talk” during the day. Text me. Instead they call your office and just want to talk because they were worried since you didn’t answer your cell. I could keep going and going but the point is that it’s just too much. It’s overkill.

I do it to myself. As I sit here and think about it I know that is the case. I ask the questions that I don’t want to know the answer to. I can’t just let it be, I can’t just go with it and be happy. So I ask and then I hurt. Unfortunately for me I’m the kind of girl that would rather know. I would rather know that I’m not your only one. I would rather know that me alone is not enough for you. I would rather know that when our time is over you’re going out with her. I would rather know now and not when I love you. Not after I spend months having fun with you every day, thinking about you, thinking about our time together and everything we did, all the memories we made. Once that happens the hurt would be unbearable and I can’t handle that again.
Not now anyway.

So I cried today. Like a stupid head.
In reality, I made myself sad today. I made myself cry.
I ruined something that was perfectly fine by asking questions I didn’t want to know the answer to.
That isn’t the first time I’ve done it and I’m sure it isn’t the last.
Maybe it was dumb, maybe I just lost the one distraction I have allowed myself to have. Maybe if I would have acted like I didn’t care eventually I would have been where I wanted to be. The thing is, I don’t want to pretend I don’t care. I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve. It isn’t even the fact that we had no label, no rules and a lack of understanding, that I can deal with; it’s how easy it was to let me go. It was so easy when I said I couldn’t deal with it to say “well that was fun“, to just end it. That’s the part that is bringing the tears to my eyes as I type.

I’m not sure what I expect. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know if he will text or if he will just let it go. I don’t even really know what I want him to do. I need to decide though because what I want and what works for me right now doesn’t match what my heart feels. When that happens this pain I have in the pit of my stomach shows up with the tears and I don’t like either of those things.

-S

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