I Can’t Imagine Losing Her…

I know pain. Physical, emotional and mental pain. I know each of these.
I have lost loved ones that are still alive and loved ones that have passed.

Losing my Grandfather was extremely difficult.
My Grandparents have always been a huge part of my life. Huge. My Grandfather passed suddenly. I was 17 and pregnant with my daughter. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I miss him.
Always.
I remember holding my daughters’ father, clinging for support. Crying tears of sadness so deep, not only for him and myself but for my family as well. Mostly for my Grandmother though.
My Grandparents had a love that was admirable. It was jealous and crazy, committed and solid. They could fight and love like only teenagers did.
It was beautiful. It lasted. It stood the test of time. A few times I believe…
They loved through two countries, a dictatorship, becoming citizens, having a son, watching their family grow, fall apart and back together again several times. I wear their ring with pride on my finger knowing how much love is in it.

I couldn’t imagine losing someone who you love that much. I don’t think my Grandmother knew what to do with herself. It took a little while but she figured it out.
She rose to the challenge of leading her family.
She is our rock.
My rock.
She hold us all together.

There have been so many times in my challenging life that I have felt so alone. I have been alone. I was judged by people who I thought loved me unconditionally.
Never her though.
Ever.
She has been the one person in my life that I have never questioned. I have always been able to call her and take for granted that she would answer. I could go awhile without talking to her and know she would be there when selfishly, I was ready. She has never said she didn’t want to get involved or that she couldn’t help me. She has never stood back and watched me fall. Ever.
Even when it may have been a good lesson for me to learn; I could count on her doing whatever she could to help me, to lift me.
That is just her.
She loves how I want to love.
Unconditionally. Selflessly.
She is the string that connects us all. She always has been.

Right now we are watching her suffer.
It could be so much worse. I know that and I am so thankful it isn’t. She is still going through a very difficult time though. We are still watching it and it stinks.

I have never looked at her and seen an old lady. I have seen a lady that has aged, yes, but gracefully.
She is beautiful. She travels the world, drives her own car, visits us all at each holiday if we aren’t all at the same place. She speaks her mind even when it isn’t popular. She teaches us something new every time her mouth opens. She’s feisty.
She has never been an old lady. She was supposed to live forever. I have never imagined my life without her in it. As much as she has angered me, as set in her ways as she sometimes is; I can’t imagine a world with no Grandma. I just can’t.

This past week with her I have had to. I have had to discuss DNR’s and communion and funeral plans. I have to talk about rehab and medicines. I’m tired.
I’m tired but I feel like I need to be there as much as I can. I don’t doubt that she would be for me. I have had to face that my time with her is limited. It might not be next week or next month, we may have another 10 years with her. That time is limited though. It isn’t indefinite. There are no guarantees that she will meet my future love or see my kids graduate. There isn’t a guarantee for anyone, I know that. When I look in her eyes I see someone who has lived a very full life. I see the visitors she has and the calls she receives. I know she is loved by so many people. I know she isn’t scared. She is a woman of God and she doesn’t fear what the future holds.

My Grandma. She is amazing. She is strong. She is beautiful inside and out. Some of the best memories are being made sitting at the foot of her hospital bed.
I pray these aren’t the last, but just in case – I plan on being there as much as I can. I can’t imagine losing her…

-S

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