Still Alone

I have thought a lot lately about my “inability” to find someone. I’m still not actively looking or anything, but the comments and remarks from people around me all the time got me thinking. I date. I flirt. I just don’t usually last very long. There are a few different reasons. It’s different with each one. I started thinking though, if my ex can be already a few years into his new relationship, living with her, helping raise her kids, taking family vacations and everything – why have I not even found someone worth letting have a drawer in my dresser?

Here is what I came up with.
My ex moved fast. Seemingly because he couldn’t be on his own. He went from Mom to me to her. No real breaks or gaps in time. I’m not trying to shortchange their relationship or anything. I’m sure he loves her and her kids and things are peachy. That has nothing really to do with my statement at all…
My point is that he is a man who was used to having a woman take care of him. manage the household and all that stuff. I on the other hand began my journey of self exploration and growth and didn’t necessarily need a partner to do that with.

I still cry over my divorce. I still get sad when I see their “Happy” pics. I am able to realize that it isn’t him that I miss – it’s my family that I miss. My life. The comfortability of it all. I get sad seeing him smiling because I know the he hasn’t seen our children smile in 9 months. I wouldn’t be able to even force a smile if I hadn’t seen theirs in that long, and it hurts me to see with my own eyes that he is able to.
Allowing myself to feel those things and to in turn process those feelings, I have allowed myself to heal. I have had time to really discover what went wrong and when. I know that I settled. I didn’t wait for all the things I hoped for my entire life; I chose the safe route. Whether it was the right route or not doesn’t matter anymore though. It doesn’t matter if it could have gotten better or if it was always destined to fail. None of that really matters because the past cannot be changed. All I can really do is make sure that I don’t allow it to repeat itself.

So all of my praying and thinking and reflecting has brought me full circle really. I settled before and I know I’m not going to allow myself to do it again.
So I don’t.
I refuse to rush anything and I refuse to just pick the next one that I have a nice dinner with and give him a key to my front door. My kids deserve better, I deserve better. I want better. If better means that I will provide it for myself then so be it. Of course it would be lonely but it’s better to be lonely alone than with someone sitting right next to you.
I feel like the right one will feel right. I won’t be scared, I won’t panic or try to find reasons why it won’t work. I won’t beg him to love me or allow myself to be number two. I won’t sacrifice time with my kids. None of that mess.

I think it hasn’t happened yet because it hasn’t been right. Timing, the person, the kids weren’t in a good place for it – whatever the case may be. It just hasn’t been right.
I’m OK with it. I get bored sometimes but I have great friends and great kids and that’s all I need right now.

-S

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