Getting over him.
The one that got away.
The one it just won’t ever work out with.
The one you want but can’t have.
The one that just isn’t good for you.
If I am honest with myself I know that I never will get over him. I know that he will always have a piece of my heart.
That saying in Sweet Home Alabama: “The truth is…. I gave my heart away a long time ago. my whole heart… and I never really got it back.”
That’s true. That happens.
So the question is; what will I do? Will I sit around and wait, hope, dream about how things will one day work out? Or do I move on? Forget it? Accept that life isn’t a Reese Witherspoon movie?
I’ve had to move past it before.
A friend recently asked me how I did it back then.
How was I able to move on, get over it then?
The thing is, I never really got over it. I never really got over him. If he would have picked me back then I would have eagerly gone along with it. Thinking about him was like being homesick for a place that never really existed though.
It isn’t smart. It wasn’t smart.Nothing about it is good or healthy or anything like that. It never had been. It just wasn’t real. What I thought could be would never have been the way I saw it. I know that.
The only thing that finally helped me to stop thinking about it, about him and our life and what could have been or still could be, was to quit him, cold turkey.
I quit cold turkey. No weaning myself off, no small talk, no let’s be friends. I just quit.
If his name came up, I changed the subject. If someone said they saw him, he said hi… I ignored it. I just didn’t let my mind process it for even a second. I know that was because if I allowed him into my mind for just a second, my heart would freak. It would pound like crazy, flutter like a butterfly, I would have a gazillion questions and then everyone would know, they would know I still loved him.
It’s always been the best way for me to get over something. If I don’t stop everything all together then I will spend months crying and sad and not understanding. It’s ugly. It’s sad, pathetic even. If something is over, it’s over. Love isn’t about forcing or begging. There shouldn’t be any pleading or negotiating or changing. I told myself to tuck away that little part of him that would always be with me. It was gone as far as the rest of the world knew.
I don’t know if you ever get over your first real love. I think you learn to live with the knowledge that it just won’t be. Can’t be. If you really love them then you let them go. You let them go find their true love, their happiness. Who knows, maybe one day they will realize it was you all along. But maybe they won’t. Either way you can’t spend your whole life thinking you’ll be the leading role in Sweet Home Alabama. It just isn’t realistic.
I am a better person because he’s been in my life. He has taught me so much. While he was driving me crazy he was building me up. Strengthening me so that I would be ready for the next time. The next time when cold turkey wouldn’t be an option.
I have learned a few things lately. I have learned that no matter how old you get, sometimes you just need the butterflies. You don’t always get what you want, and not getting it is usually a good thing. Opening your heart up, even if it’s just to get stabbed is good, it’s healthy. It hurts, yes, but you realize so much. It’s in the pain that you grow. I’ve learned that people do change but their old habits still live inside of them. I’ve learned that I really am too good for some people. I have also learned that it’s OK to say and to feel that way.
We get the love we feel we deserve.
That makes sense to me now. For a really long time it was very difficult for me to let someone spoil me and love me unconditionally. I expected them to have an ulterior motive. They must be cheating. They must be hiding something. Why would he open the door for me? Why would he call me just to say hi and to hear my voice? There had to be something going on…
I finally realized it was me. I didn’t think I deserved that kind of treatment. When actually, I should expect that kind of treatment. I should have my door opened for me. I should have someone who sends me flowers and writes little random notes.
My heart isn’t whole. My heart isn’t broken. It’s open. I know where all the missing pieces are. I don’t know that I will ever get them back.
We have to be OK with that, I have to be OK with that. We have to accept it.
Life isn’t a Reese Witherspoon movie and we can’t wait around hoping it will end up like one. We have to live. We have to live and be spoiled and enjoy every minute of it. We might not ever get over “them” but we can allow our heart to be filled with new love. With good for us, smile till it hurts, get butterflies love.