Destiny Doesn’t Hurt

I don’t really understand why some things happen the way they do. I believe it’s all part of a master plan. I believe things happen for a reason. I know that we have to let go and let things happen how they should. We have to keep our head on straight of course, but we have to sometimes allow doors to shut. We have to let them close.

We can’t keep beating on them.

The strangest doors open when we allow the others to close. I know I’m sometimes so hesitant to even walk through them.

I’m a fraidy cat.

I’m busy yes, but I’m not nearly as busy as I make myself seem. I make myself seem busy so I don’t have to deal with the new door. If I just stay in my comfortable little room, I don’t have to deal with all those emotions I’ve worked so hard to steer clear of.

Boring.

Safe but boring.

When I talk about my ex replacing us so fast; when I mention how quickly he jumped into his new life, I think parts of me are jealous. I think I’m jealous that he was able to allow himself to open up to someone else that way. To be vulnerable to another heartbreak.

Sure, being single is fine. It’s good.
It’s also safe.
It can also be really lonely.
I hate dating.

I had to regroup the other night. I had to sit back and really think about what I was doing.
It was one of those nights I’ve written about before.
The washer broke then a lightbulb blew and the breaker wouldn’t stop tripping. Then the kitchen lights went out and the pipes under the sink disconnected.
Disastrous night.
I wanted to cry but I was just mad.
I was mad because I realized that I was starting to depend on someone else again. I was assuming that all I had to do was send a text and ask for help and voila!
I could have too. I could have sent a text and I know it would have been handled.
Why should that bother me so much though? Why is it still so hard for me to just let it be.
Whatever “it” is?
I ended up getting help for a few of the problems.
I also ended up having a really good cry.

The thing is I know that the ones that send a text are being sweet, caring, thoughtful. They’re letting me know that they’re thinking of me. They are letting me know if I need them they’re there. I’ve been good with that. That leaves things on my terms. I can live my life and I can go about the “rest” as I please when it’s convenient. I think a part of my heart was getting attached to “it” though. I started seeing the future and how beautiful it could be.

Destiny. Fate. Bullshit.

Destiny and fate and all things beautiful don’t hurt. Waiting and taking things slowly doesn’t hurt and I realized I was hurting. Not by the fault of anyone but myself though.
Myself and my mind.

I don’t know what I thought. I don’t know if I thought it would work out because it was meant to be. It was happening again, so it must be destiny.
I did think that.
Let me be honest here
I forgot what it was all really about and I let myself get caught up. All the things I have worked and pushed myself to undo I was doing again. I was letting myself become an option. Call when you want, text when you want. I’ll just be here waiting.
Why?

After my good hard cry and finally calling bullshit on fate and destiny and “taking things slow“, I made a call I still can’t really believe I made.

The thing is, I don’t like pushy. I don’t like over the top, get in my face stuff. At all. I also give in easy though.
He kept on and kept on.
I don’t know if I would have given in if it weren’t for that cry I let myself have. Who knows. I kind of think he just annoyed me to the point of calling back.
I hate dating.
I didn’t hate this one though.
Maybe it was the familiarity.
Maybe it took me back in time. To a good place.

He asked me if he would have backed off if I was going to come up with an excuse. I said absolutely.
I’m busy. I work, I’m a single mom. I don’t have time for this mess…
I didn’t even believe myself as I was saying it though, I knew I was avoiding.
I was hoping where my heart had been stuck would work out. I was holding out for that text… I don’t know that the texter doesn’t date though. We don’t discuss it. I have no idea. I just wait, I just stay convenient.
Old habits die-hard.

I had fun. It was good.
I can’t wait around for fate and destiny to work out my way. My way might be the wrong way. The thought makes me so sad. It hurts my heart to think that I am repeating history all over again. I think I was though. I still am to an extent. I let my mind get all twisted into this fantasy, this dream that didn’t end well last time either. Maybe it just isn’t meant to play out like I had hoped. I have three kids. Three. It is a lot for most guys. I’m not looking for any guys but I know the one for me will be nothing like most of them.

-S

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