34

Today I increased from a 33-year-old to a 34-year-old. Every milestone in my life causes me to stop and think.
Reflect.
I started this blog as a 33-year-old.
Starting at 33.
Lost. Confused. Hurt. Starting from scratch. Day one of a new life. Missing something that I wasn’t quite sure I would ever find.

34.
Thirty – Four.

So what has this last year taught me?
What have I been through this past year that has changed me?
What lessons have I learned?
What lessons have I taught?
Am I a better S today that a year ago?
I would really like to think so.

Usually when people ask if me feel any different being a year older, I say nope. Another year started, it’s just another day. I’m still me.
In a lot of ways I guess that is true, this year I would answer much differently though.
I do feel different.
It is another year started, just another day, but when I think back to this day last year I can’t help but feel a little emotional.
I have probably changed more from 33 to 34 than I have my entire life.

I have made some pretty big changes in my life. I have cut ties that I never really thought I would truly have the nerve to cut. I have done things I never really thought I would ever do. I have restarted relationships I thought may be over for good.
Most importantly though, that thing I was missing that I wasn’t sure I would ever find?
I found it. I actually had it the whole time.

I used to look at people and think to myself if they can find love and they can be truly happy then why can’t I?
Now I know that reason I wasn’t finding it was because I hadn’t found it inside myself yet.

Life is hard. I was making it harder. All the worrying about keeping everyone else happy was draining me.
Yes, if I hadn’t of gone through my divorce my life would be so much easier.
If I kept on calling and checking on people who never seemed to have the time to do it for us, I would probably feel like I had more “friends”.
If I kept following people on social media just because I’m “supposed to”, I would feel like I knew what was going on a lot more.
If I kept inviting people who never came to every little thing I did, I would feel like I knew a lot more people.
I don’t care about any of that now.
Those things made me feel like I was being a good person, I felt like it was the right thing to do.
I didn’t think about what it was doing to me though.
I didn’t care what it was doing to me because if I’m honest now, I didn’t matter.
They felt fine blocking me on Facebook and I was willing to still have friendly talks to their face and keep pretending they liked me and considered me family.
Family unblocks. Family moves on and forgives.

Why continue relationships that I question constantly.
That really isn’t a question.
Why use all that energy wondering if they really like me.
If I will really be invited or missed.
They don’t care, so why did I?
Saving face or not wanting to be disliked or excluded was more important than my own internal peace.

That’s sad.

The biggest thing I have learned since Starting at 33 – that lesson was learned once I forced myself to stop forcing myself. When the day came that I could feel myself physically let go of the control was the day I felt “different.”
The day that I let myself really, truly go in the direction I was being sent in.
It doesn’t always make sense to me. It doesn’t always seem like the way I should go. It has ended up being the right way thus far though. Who am I to question something greater than myself?

I had a great birthday. I’m looking forward to what 34 has in store for me and my kids. I have faith that those meant to be by us for this journey will be, and I believe those that shouldn’t won’t. The greatest gift of all is that I am perfectly fine with that.

-S

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