So sick of these meetings. These appointments. They feel like they never end and they just drain my pockets, they don’t fill them for the kids, which is the whole point.
When “someone” doesn’t do what they should do though, they are necessary.
I hate them. I don’t know why I still feel so bad. I don’t want anything to happen to anyone. I just want everyone to be happy. I just want calm waters. No feathers ruffled. This appointment was no different. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to sign anything, I just want it to get better. I guess I hope this will magically happen. I don’t know.
This time was different though, this time when I called him to try to discuss it all like I always do, he answered. He answered and we talked. We had one of the best, most honest, real, raw talks we have had in a long time. I haven’t let myself cry like that in a while. I let myself let it all out.
I think deep down I knew this would be my last chance. I needed him to know how I felt. I’m not really sure why actually, but I did. I needed him to know the hurt he’s caused and the reasons I am doing everything that I am. I needed him to hear me say it wasn’t out of hate or spite but out of love for the 3 most precious people in my life. It is all for them. Not to hurt him but to help them. I needed to tell him that he still had time, he could fix everything. I would help. However I possibly could, I would make sure I did. I needed to give him that chance, to tell him that I loved him, I hated him too. He was my best friend and my worst nightmare but I would always be so thankful for the blessings he gave me. I needed to tell him that Yes, it may seem mean or harsh but if it had been done the right way… If the past 2 years had been handled the right way then we wouldn’t be here now. We would be past the appointments.
I’m sure he knew all of this. When he asked me to tell the kids he loved them and has thought about them every day my heart knew that would be it. There would be no dinner with them, no phone calls or texts saying he wanted to start working on the things he needs to fix. I knew in my heart that when I hung up his only thought would be himself. His consequences that he is finally facing. I knew that the Hell the kids have faced would be a distant thought. His own Hell would be all that was at the forefront of his mind. As I listened to him talk and spit his chew in between words, as I heard him talk about his girlfriend and how she was his priority, as I heard every smart ass remark, this time I knew.
I knew. I’ve known, but this time I knew…
There have been so many nights that I thought to myself, divorce sucks S, you should have sucked it up and you could be happy later… You should have spared your kids S, you were selfish. The BS that kids have to go through because of divorce is just that, BS. With each spit of his chew it became clearer though, it became clear that he is BS; he’s the BS in our lives. His words are BS, his actions are BS.
He had no intention of making things better. He only says it when that priority is close by. When he can’t let her hear that he doesn’t care. No Mother could find justification in someone not even attempting to say they want to fix things. So he says it, then doesn’t do it.
The kids deserve me going to those appointments. The kids deserve to have everything they should have. I never wanted to hurt anyone or for anyone to suffer, but listening to him speak. Speak, spit, speak, spit. It was brought right back to the front of my mind how he has not cared even the tiniest of bit about us hurting, or us suffering. Why am I worried about him losing a house when his children lost two? Why am I worried about him not having anything when his children have gone without? He was probably smart never speaking to me, never working on things, never answering the phone; because hearing him speak – hearing his lack of compassion, his lack of caring, his indifference; just reminded me how much those meetings matter.
I feel clear, I feel free and relieved. It’s his turn.