Confusion

Sometimes just trying to understand what is being put out there is enough to make you want to quit.
Quit trying to understand.
Quit giving a damn.
Quit hoping it will become something.
Quit wondering what will happen next.
It’s really quite exhausting actually.

I knew that after so long it couldn’t be him.
I wanted it to be, I think.
Yes, I did.
If I’m honest with myself, when I would think about it, it was always him.
It isn’t anymore, but it was.
I knew it wasn’t smart.
I knew it was actually one of the dumbest things ever; but in my soul, I felt like it was just supposed to happen.
I knew if it was him I would be a mess.
A satisfied mess, but a mess.

There aren’t many people who I feel like could break me at this point.
Not many things bring me to tears over myself, my own feelings.
Not many at all, but he can.
He would.
He would send me spiraling into a blur of the old S.
The old, unconfident, worried, scared, what comes next, let’s analyze this entire thing until I go nuts S.
Yuck.
No thank you.

So it wasn’t him.

My God what an experience.

After all was said and done though, my mind went right back to not getting it.
In a span of a week he will go from always being there to disappearing and I won’t hear a word for days.
I might get an emoji. Because that explains so much…
How about an eye rolling emoji right here?
He helps then stops. He calls then doesn’t. He makes plans then bails. He says he can see it then says he wants to be alone forever (basically).

I have spent so much of my life wondering, waiting, hoping, praying and wishing and when it’s finally so close; when it’s finally right there, I can’t stand it. I loathe it. I don’t want to see what I see. I don’t want to be the one. I think if I am the one, I just might die. I just might crawl in a hole and die because the fact that I would let myself go through the confusion purposely on a daily basis is such a step backwards that I might as well just erase the past year or so of my life.
Wasted.
Pointless.

So it wasn’t him. After all that time it just wasn’t him. Will it be one day though? Is that what’s going on here? Is that what the grand plan is? Or is it another test to see if I have learned anything? My God I hope I have. It really is just so confusing though…

-S

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