Reflecting…. Yes again.

It’s that time again.
It came a lot sooner than I was planning but I have learned that things happen when they’re meant to, not when we necessarily want them to. I’m OK with that. I don’t get upset as easily as I used to. I don’t get hurt as fast or let down as easily.
I worry. That’s what I do.
I worry. I really try not to. I really try to let everything work out how it should; I try to place it all in Gods hands and have faith that it will all work out.
In reality though, I don’t. That’s the truth.
I’m scared. I’m worried it won’t work out, I’m worried history will repeat itself. I am.
It is what it is though.
I know I am more prepared than ever before and I have been given sign after sign that this is where we should be, where we need to be. I also know that no matter what happens we will be OK.
We always are.
Blessings don’t always show up looking like blessings. Most of the time, they are in disguise. I’ve learned how to look for them. In almost every situation I can pick the blessing out.
Again, I am shown time after time the people who love and support us. The ones that have us in their thoughts and if they can’t be there physically, they are there in thoughts, with their words, prayers.
The struggle is real. It always has been and I think it probably always will be to an extent.
Life just isn’t easy.
I don’t think its supposed to be though. I don’t complain, you won’t hear me whine or cry about anything that gets thrown my way, not anymore anyway.
For whatever reason, I have been given a rocky road. The people I thought would be there forever, the people who probably should have been, they just aren’t. Some people aren’t capable of loving unconditionally. Some people just can’t be nonjudgemental.It just isn’t in them.
I have a lot in my life that can be judged. I have been through a lot. I have lived a lot and a lot of it is really sad, a lot of it is hard for people to understand let alone stick around for.
A lot of it just plain sucks. I’m at fault for a lot. If not by my own actions but by my inactions… Allowing the wrong people in and out, allowing myself to be taken advantage of, not sticking up for myself at the right times. Worrying more about what people would think than what I felt. Depending on other people to be happy instead of learning a lot sooner that happiness comes from yourself. Sometimes I was just plain selfish.
I want so many things. I have so many things I want to do, to say, to feel… I have had to learn that I need to control those things. Not everything I want to say should be said. Not everything that I want to do will get done. I don’t mean that I’m giving up on dreaming or hoping or fighting for those things; I mean that I have had to learn that it just might not be the time.
It might not be my time.
I have learned that I can’t live on both sides. I can’t tell you it’s not OK to do something and then allow someone else to do it. I can’t say that I am eliminating something from my life and then keep someone around that does the very same thing I want eliminated because I’m afraid to lose them or because we have always justified it for them. If it’s toxic, if it has always hurt me and I can see that, it has to go.
Entirely.
I know that I’m difficult. I know that I am hard to help. I know that I am stubborn and that I’m a smart-ass. I know that I have let people down and made some really bad decisions. I will probably do some more of it too. Not intentionally but it will probably happen.
I look back on my life and I see so many mistakes. I see so many crossroads where I turned left when I clearly should have gone right.
I am so sorry for spilled milk. I do cry over it. Still.
I don’t regret anything from my past but my God do I wish I would have done things differently. Life is hard and I have most definitely done my share to make it even harder.
I look back on my life and I see the wrong turns; I also see what going that way gave me though. I gained a lot and learned a lot down those dead ends. I have been humbled. I have been brought to my knees and begged for strength. I will always screw up, that’s just me, I think it’s everyone. We’re human and we will make mistakes.
I love me though. I never did before. It wasn’t OK to allow myself to deal with so many things that I dealt with; I did because I didn’t truly believe I deserved any better. I know now that I do. I know that I deserve to feel and experience all the things that I want to and because of that, I know I will. Maybe not when I want to, but when I’m meant to.
So it’s that time again. I’m screaming with excitement inside but I’m so focused on getting it right that you won’t hear a peep. I’m thankful for the help, the love, the support. I always will be. I don’t plan on ever taking any of that for granted again.

-S

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