Thinking Out Loud

Thinking out loud helps, it helps clear your head. Typing it, writing it, saying it, helps. Sometimes these blogs make no sense and I don’t want to publish them for fear of it not being considered “good writing”. Other times I feel like someone could use it. The fact that I feel it and I can’t always make sense of what I feel, could help someone else just in knowing they aren’t the only ones confused as Hell.
The keys just flow with my mind and it might seem all over the place, unless you’re in that same place.
I didn’t start this so that my writing could be judged or critiqued; I started it to lift up and reassure the dozens of people who feel so alone every day going through life’s crazy ups and downs; so I decided I will hit the publish link more. I will hit publish before my mind talks me out of it…

This is one of those blogs:

There are so many things that will just never, ever, ever make sense to me. That is the way of the world I suppose. There are questions we just won’t ever get the answer to. I could ponder and ponder and ponder until my head hurts and it just won’t ever make sense.

Other things though, those will just always make perfect sense. There are things that are just right. They just are. They always will be.
I have to be smart though, I can’t let my guard down or let myself sink into the idea.

Years ago I could, years ago it would’ve been like laying my head on one of those amazing hotel pillows; your head just sinks in, just molds to the pillow. It’s like laying down on a cloud. It just feels so good. Why would you ever not lay your head down on that pillow…

Hotel stays end. We can’t live there forever. I can’t anyway.
Eventually we go back to the regular pillows…

That’s what being “damaged” is like I guess. You just assume things will end. You just assume that something bad or negative will come from whatever good you have.
You don’t believe that it will always be good. All good things must come to an end.

The romantic, optimistic side of me says that isn’t true. That side of me believes that I can smuggle that pillow into my suitcase and take it home to lay my head on until my very last breath.
The jaded side of me knows that hotel police would come find me or my suitcase would explode and feathers would fly everywhere. Everyone would stare at the girl who was dumb enough to try to steal a hotel pillow…

People can change. I believe that.
I also see the past come back though. History repeats itself.

Do we look at second chances as a blessing or a curse?

Some of the things that have ended in my life ended badly. They were heartbreaking. Literally they had me thinking that I would never survive.
I did survive. Many times I was left wondering what happened. What went wrong. Why did I behave like that or why did they react like that. Why did they leave?
It just makes no sense. It probably never will.

When they come back, is it a blessing? Was it Gods way of redirecting me until things were really right? Or is it another test to see if I will fall again?
Fall and crash again.
How do you know?
Do you really follow your gut? Because when I want something desperately, my gut can be tricky.
I want to believe people change. I know I have so why wouldn’t they?
I want it to work. I want to believe in second chances and happy endings and all that good, lovey dovey happy stuff.
I’ve also been burned. I don’t want to be stupid.

I guess it’s a combination of both.
Follow your heart and take your brain with you

Some things make perfect sense.

I have learned that when I stand in the doorway of my best friends office and I start to tell her my story, the way I tell it, tells me a lot. If I can justify it in my mind but I tell the story or my way of thinking differently, then I have to admit to myself that I’m not really sure.

I know what I want. I know what I feel in my heart is right. I just don’t know how smart it is. I don’t know if I’m setting myself up for failure.
I believe in taking chances, I really do. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared to death though.

You’ll never know it. You’ll never know that every time we talk or text, my mind is racing. My heart is pounding and I don’t know if I should feel like that or not. I can’t make it go away but I can ignore it. I can. I just don’t know if I should.

-S

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