My Baby Girl

Do I have to let go?
Do I have to let her go?
I mean really, do I have to let her grow up?
Cause I feel like it might kill me.
I feel like I might die.
I feel like I’m dying a little more on the inside every time I think about it.
My baby.
My angel baby.

We weren’t supposed to get here so fast.
We weren’t supposed to be so close to the end of her childhood already.
She was supposed to want to sit by me and hold my hand and hug me and love me forever and ever.
She was supposed to always believe I was right.
Forever.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately.
She’s almost there.
She is practically there now.
I’m not ready.
I don’t know if she is either.

I can’t even try to explain the love I have for that girl.
It’s so deep, so strong.
She is literally a third of my heartbeat.
The reason I wake up and get out of bed.
The reason I am on this earth right now.
It’s because of my babies.

We are almost there.
Almost to the part where she goes off on her own and I have to hope that I have taught her everything she needs to know.
Even if she stays with us a little longer, she will still be a woman, an adult.
Ready to make her own decisions and choices.

She’s had to deal with so much and I feel like I still need more time. I need more time to make everything better. More time to make sure she knows how much she means to me. More time to make sure she knows how much I love her and how sorry I am for the things and the people she has lost. What if those losses hurt her for the rest of her life? Does she know that I will always be here? Does she know how much her brothers and I love her and how we will forever? Did I instill in them the importance of having each other forever? Of talking and listening and caring and helping each other for the rest of their lives? When I am gone do they know how much they will need each other?

She’s playing ball for a different reason and with a different purpose now. She is looking at her grades differently and planning her next year with a different view. A different meaning. A different vision. I can see it and I am so proud but I am so scared too.

They grow up fast.
It isn’t like I wasn’t told that a million and one times over the past several years but to see it actually coming…
Whoa.
The feelings inside my chest, in my heart and soul are something I can’t even begin to describe.
An ache one minute followed by excitement the next.

I hope I have been enough. I hope I will be enough. I hope that I can give her everything she needs and if I have forgotten something I hope I remember it soon. I hope that I have made sure she knows how amazing she is and how she shouldn’t ever settle for feeling like less than that. I hope she knows that my door is always open and that I might have a really hard time letting her walk out of it. I hope she knows I have been crazy simply because I love her so much and I’m just not ready yet. I hope she knows all of my “no’s” were even harder on me than they were on her and I hope that she knows just how proud I am of the young lady she is growing to be.

I’m not ready.
Not even close.
I don’t think I ever will be.
Time doesn’t wait for anyone though.
Life keeps moving and keeps going and there is nothing wrong with that.
I know that but good Lord my heart doesn’t.

-S

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