I went away this weekend. The kids and I. We went to watch my oldest play ball in a city that was a few hours away. We have had a rough couple of weeks, for a few different reasons. Things have been good but we were about due for a rough patch.
We were ready for a change of scenery.
It came just in time.
Temptation is always there. One way or another there is always something there that will help you see exactly what kind of person you are, what your morals are, your values…
As life has gone on and things have changed, I don’t always know where my place is in different situations.
I removed myself, I ease my way back in, but should I be there? Should I talk to them or sit quietly? It’s a learning game really.
Some people made it very clear where I stood when we left, others it was cloudy and some others I really still have no idea.
So I will learn. I am learning.
It’s hard as a parent to let your kids go, let them make decisions on their own. Especially for me, these past few years have made me want to immediately go into defense mode, protection, get involved. They’ve just had to deal with way too much and since I am doing it alone I feel like I have to constantly be on my toes.
To some extent I know I will always be like that, especially for my babies. But I also know that, especially with my oldest, I have to let her make more and more decisions on their own.
I don’t always agree with the decisions. Some make me angry and others just make me uncomfortable. The thing is, it isn’t about me, it’s about them and if sitting around people that I wouldn’t normally choose to sit around, is a part of what it takes to make them happy, then so be it.
I know that my daughters decision to return to the team she is on now wasn’t easy for her. I know that it really hurt her to leave and I know that some of the things that have been excused or allowed for other players that have remained there, get under her skin. I know that in her Junior year of high school she shouldn’t still need to prove herself.
I get all of that.
I also get that the circumstances of our lives robbed her of at least a year. We can’t go back and fix that; all we can do is move forward.
When I see her hurting though, it isn’t easy to be better. It takes patience and self-control to sit back and not defend her, to not go ask why this is OK but that wasn’t, to not demand an explanation.
I love her with all of me and I will be there, no matter how hard it is on me. I will always be there.
I think she has made the right choice for herself.
I have seen her grow and mature over the past 6-12 months, I have watched her humble herself and accept her mistakes, I have seen her ask for forgiveness and I have seen her turn her head or shut her mouth when I know she had to force herself to do it. I know how hard that is for her. Neither of her parents gave her the quality of patience and strict self-control but together we are all getting better at it.
My last blog I talked about how I couldn’t ignore a text. That I always felt like I needed to answer.
Today my two oldest received a similar text to the last one that I “couldn’t” ignore.
Both of them showed me the text when they noticed they had it, both chose to not reply.
In that very moment I realized that I am learning so much from these kids. They are teaching me so much that sometimes I don’t even realize they have taught me.
Those texts don’t deserve a reply. They really don’t. Those people don’t have a clue about what is going on in their lives.
Not a clue.
It took my kids ignoring it without a word from me for that very reason, for it to sink in my thick head.
Those people have chosen to step out, to walk away and come back with a text at their convenience. We have been through so much and dealt with so much without even a “how are you” they don’t deserve a response.
As a Mom, I always wanted to be better for my kids, to be a better me. This weekend I realized that the decisions I have been making, the resistance to so many temptations, the change in the things I talk about, have made a difference. Trying to live by example has been noticed and it has made the kids better too. I’m not perfect and I know I will make more mistakes but this weekend I finally saw that the changes I have made have rolled over into their lives as well. Nothing could ever make me happier.