Unconditionally

It’s really hard to find people that will love you unconditionally.
I don’t mean a significant other or spouse or anything necessarily but I guess it could be that also.
I just mean people that love you and that don’t judge.
Someone that you can be yourself with.
Your complete self.
You can be your ugliest, most ticked off, screaming and yelling or crying so hard you have a disgusting runny nose self with them.
You can screw up, fall down, embarrass yourself and them too and it wouldn’t change a thing.
They can walk in your house after your dog just had the biggest mess ever, smells for days but they still come over.
They come over to be with you.
They listen intensely as you cry to them about your abortion knowing that they can’t have children.
They sit with you after the guy they told you to stay away from breaks your heart again and they haven’t even gone on a date in over 5 years.
They hear you cry that you don’t have a nice car or nice house or you can’t afford this or that and they’re living with family, riding a bike and shop at Goodwill.

You get the point.
They don’t judge.
They love you unconditionally.
They would do anything for you and you for them.
They understand that what you are telling them is about you and not about them and that’s OK.
It’s OK because they know you would do the same.
Nothing that you do could cause them to stop loving you.
Not years or miles.
Not your ugliness or your embarrassment, not your relationship status or your major freak out.
They will listen.
Tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.
They know the difference and they aren’t afraid to upset you because they know you won’t ever leave them either.
Not for good anyway.

The hard part in all of this is when you think you have that; you think you have a relationship that can withstand anything.
Then you find out that you don’t.
Now, it’s true that people can only take so much.
No one should ever use someone else’s love to take advantage.
You should never sacrifice yourself for someone else.
A repeat offender I guess.

I have a friend.
This friend and I have been through unimaginable things.
Things that neither of us would ever breathe a word of to anyone else.
Things that we will take to our graves.
Bad things, embarrassing things, some even would be considered unforgivable in most relationships.
We went through some together, some separate but we always knew the other had gone through them and therefore we had gone through them too.
I have been hurt badly by this friend and I know that I have hurt them too.
When I’m down, when I drank to much and embarrassed myself, when I’m angry or depressed, when I feel completely alone, I can call them.
We don’t hang out, we don’t go out, we rarely even sit on the phone these days but I know that they will not judge and will not breathe a word of what I tell them to a soul.
They just won’t.

At this stage in my life, my friendships have a whole new meaning.
When I screw up or I do something that makes things uncomfortable; I promise with everything in me that it was not on purpose.
It takes a special bond, a special relationship to overlook things like that.
I try to put myself in their position, would I get over it?
Would I act differently or change the way I feel about them as a person?
If I would then maybe the ties aren’t as tough as I thought they were.
Sometimes people just need space.
Time.
To the offender that feels like judgement.
Like you won’t be forgiven.
Ever.
Like things can’t ever be the same again.
Maybe that isn’t the case, maybe they just need space.
Maybe you’re being a drama queen about it, but that tends to happen when you already feel terrible.
You feel terrible and you get nothing to reassure you that things will improve so yes, maybe you do become a drama queen.
Some people need to know where they stand.
Need to know that you will be OK soon, that you will get over it.
They need to talk it out.
I’m one of those people.
The thing is, there is only so much talking someone can do.
If you aren’t ready or willing to overlook whatever happened, it won’t matter how much the other person talks.
So one of you becomes an embarrassed, upset, drama queen while the other decides if they can deal with it or not.

The outcome will either prove that no matter what you do or what you put the other person through your relationship will be OK, or you learn that some relationships just aren’t unconditional, and yours is one of them.

When you find someone that will love you and put up with you no matter what that entails, make sure they know how appreciative, how grateful you are for them.
Make sure they understand the loyalty flows both ways because it isn’t easy to find.

-S

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