This Is What That Feels Like…

So this is what it feels like to be completely and fully divorced.
Legally.
With a signed, sealed and stamped order…
It’s been so long that I guess part of me wasn’t sure it would ever really happen.
I guess I didn’t let myself get to the point of total acceptance.
I mean, I accepted that we weren’t together anymore.
I accepted that life had gone on.
I accepted that we were no longer a family and I accepted that he found love with someone else, with a new family…
I had come to terms with all of that.

I understand that it sounds a little crazy to admit what I’m about to say; I understand that it may not make sense to anyone else.
It’s real though.
Real feelings, real emotions; even if they sound insane.
Judge when you’ve been through the two years that my children and I have
I hadn’t accepted that he would one day really be able to move on, to marry someone else.
I don’t mean that I expected something to miraculously mend my marriage or anything like that.
I mean that we had been going through this for so long that I didn’t really allow myself to see anything permanently, legally final.
Complete.
I didn’t allow myself to see ahead to when we would actually sever ties.
Permanently.
There are still kids and years of “dealing” with each other but after that we never have to speak again.
Ever.
I didn’t allow myself to picture a world without him in it.
As blissful as that world seems sometimes, I never really stopped to consider how that would really feel.
What a world without the person you pledge to love and do life with for the rest of your life, would really feel like.
I still have a battle ahead of me that I’m not giving up on, but our marriage, that’s officially over.
For real.
I can get married tomorrow.
Not that I would want too, but I actually could now.

I was exactly where I needed to be when I received the update.
I had played it out in my head a gazillion times.
When I found out it was really truly final would I be happy?
Would I be excited?
Would I be sad?
Would I have any regrets?
Would I feel any different at all?
I know that being told congratulations didn’t feel good.
Neither did the I’m so sorry’s
The people that know me best asked me, how do you feel?
I didn’t and still don’t have an answer though.
I felt a moment of happiness.
Followed by a moment of sadness.
I wanted to cry then I wanted to laugh.
I even felt like I might get sick.

It’s more than a piece of paper that’s been officially sealed or stamped or whatever.
It’s more than the ending of a marriage.
It’s the end of a life.
Like the casket was lowered and the dirt is finally being tossed on the top.
That life, that phase is over and there’s no going back even if you wanted to.
There’s nothing to do but to mourn the loss; remember why you went through this.
Think about why it was started to begin with.
Accept that the tarnished relationships are gone.
They won’t be repaired either.
It’s not just a bride and groom; it’s the kids and two entire families…
One long string that was frayed and falling apart finally snipped in two.
It’s sad.
Even if you wanted it, even if you’re happy it’s over.
It’s still sad.

A jumble of emotions.
Now I know what it feels like.
It isn’t one emotion.
It’s a huge change but no change at all.
It’s sadness but it’s relief.
It’s regret but satisfaction.
Happiness with nausea.
A loss but a gain.
An ending but a new beginning.

-S

2968-business-man-signing-papers

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