We Kissed

I kissed him.
It finally happened.
I knew it would.
I wasn’t sure when, but I knew it would.

I thought about it a lot.
Always in the back of my mind.
Would I kiss him or would he kiss me?
Would it be just a quick kiss?
Would we realize we shouldn’t have done it or would there be fireworks and little chubby angels singing by our heads?
Would it be a big deal?
Would it happen once?

So silly really.

Part of me really wanted to kiss him.
I just needed to know what it would be like.
Would I feel anything?
Would it ignite any old feelings or would it make me realize that there were no feelings left.
All these years, all this time, would it still be there?
What if it was?
Would we be able to continue what was left before?
Would we be able to get the life, the family, the dreams we always thought we would?
Did I want that?

Part of me didn’t want to kiss him.
Part of me was scared of what that would mean.
Things are so good right now… So good.
If anyone has the capability of breaking my heart it’s him.
Some parts of me feel like it would be so much worse now, like the first break wasn’t enough so one last final swing of the sledgehammer and it would be a done deal.
Other parts of me debated that maybe it would offer the closure I never really had.
Maybe I needed that one last…. whatever, to realize that I was done.
Over it.
Totally and completely.
A line drawn in the sand that never needed to be crossed again.

So when it happened I was partially in shock, partially expecting it.
It was something in the middle.
Something in the middle of Holy Shit and Yipee!
Then it happened again and I was really taken aback.
I can’t really explain any of it.
The feelings I had, the emotions, the craziness that filled me.

Some things are clearer I guess.
I don’t really know.
There are a few changes that I can see.
The way we talk, there are no hesitations anymore.
I don’t pause or think to much before telling him things and he doesn’t either.
There isn’t much I haven’t shared with him.
Our communication is a lot more open.
I value his opinion.
I care about what he thinks.
That isn’t new, but it’s not something I hide anymore either.
He’s my partner, one of my go to people, he gives me the back up I need, when I need it.
I can confidently say that he is one of my best friends again.
The person that has known me the longest other than family.
He knows me, he knows me really well.
He never really left, but now he’s back.
Really back.

I don’t know if it will ever happen again.
I don’t know if I care.
I was full of emotion, all kinds of emotions.
Emotions that I don’t even have words for.
I have never cried after kissing someone and I did then.
I didn’t sob or whiny cry, it was tears from deep within me; deeper than anything I have felt in awhile now.
Tears that filled my eyes because the emotions were just to much to keep inside.
Happiness, sadness, confusion, loss, regret, shock, excitement, love…

I love that guy.
So damn much.
It confirmed that things are definitely different.
Things have changed.
Life has happened to us.
Happened to us without each other since it happened to us with each other.
No one knows me like he did or does.
No one.
I hated him for so long but I never stopped loving him.
Is he my true love?
My one and only?
I don’t think anything that romantic is coming out of this situation, this chapter of our lives.
I don’t think any major revelations are coming to light.
I don’t think I will marry him or run off into the sunset holding hands… Nothing like that.
I don’t even think we will date honestly.

What have I gotten from this “situation” for lack of a better word?
I have accepted my mistakes.
I have accepted my failures.
My flaws.
I have remembered my teenage years with a smile and a few giggles instead of a poor me attitude…
No more poor me, why did that happen to me, why was I so stupid?
Why this or why that?
I have been able to let all of that go.
He has been the missing piece to my memories.
Sitting together, the 3 of us has fulfilled so much more than I ever even knew I was missing.
Sitting together the 7 of us gives me a kind of happiness that I never expected.
A happiness that I used to fake, force, create.
We have been given a second chance, a chance to right some of our wrongs.
As a team.
This situation has given me something that I forced myself to give away, to forget, to drop and never pick back up.
A piece of me that I thought I could live without.
That I forced myself to live without.
I thought I didn’t need it, but I do.
I need him.
I need him in my world.
In our world.
Looking in his eyes doesn’t make me feel giddy or give me butterflies; looking in his eyes gives me comfort.
It’s familiar, it’s like home.

I kissed him.
I kissed my first love for the first time 20 years after our first kiss.
Standing in his living room against his mothers brown and white print couch after school one day.
I can still see it.
I can still remember the words he said and the clumsy response I gave him back.
It probably wasn’t the smartest move I have ever made, but I’m not sorry.
I think we both needed it, we needed it to happen so we could know for sure where we stood.

I’m glad he’s back.
I’m glad he’s someone I can call a friend again.
I’m glad we could forgive.
I’m glad we can live life together.
All my dreams and wishes and hopes when I was a teenager weren’t supposed to come true, I realize that now.
We can’t force things or expect all our prayers to be answered when we pray for them.
They happen when they’re meant to happen, how they’re meant to happen.
For once in my life, that really, truly seems OK.




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