It Gets So Hard Sometimes

It’s hard you know?
Really hard.
It’s hard when the kids are gone but it’s also hard when they’re home.
I feel guilty for wanting a break and then when I do have a break, I miss them so much that thinking about getting them back is constantly on my mind.
It’s hard not having consistent help.
It’s hard not being able to have a decent conversation with their Dad.
It’s hard not having him to count on when I need a break or when I need someone to take one of them for me.
When I can’t be in two places at once.
Just a little support would be nice.
A little consistency.
A little communication.

Being a single mom is hard enough.
Trying to make ends meet and to make things work; trying to find a balance.
A consistent balance.
It would be so nice to be able to communicate with him.
To call and he answers the phone.
To text and he responds.
I know it can be done.
I just don’t understand why it can’t be done with us.

I pray every day that eventually he can begin to talk to me.
Not about the weather or what’s for dinner at their house, because I could care less to make small talk either, but at least about the kids.
I know we’ve gone through a lot, I know we still are.
I get it.

It’s just so exhausting.
It’s like this constant pull.
Constantly in the middle, never knowing which way to go.
Include him and get ignored or don’t and feel guilty.
Why am I still having to feel this way?

Part of me wishes he would just go away.
If you can’t talk or communicate or do the right thing then just go away.
I hate that thought for the kids though.
Except right now, right now I tend to feel like it would be better, easier for them too.
When he doesn’t call or answer them either I can’t help but feel like life for everyone would be so much better without him in it.
They hurt less now than they did two years ago.
That’s progress I suppose.
They still hurt though.

I get tired.
Tired of being the only one that drives them to and fro.
Tired of having to beg him to attend things.
Tired of asking him to call for their birthdays.
Tired of inviting him to things that he doesn’t show up for or even acknowledge.
It’s seriously so exhausting.
The thing is, I don’t do it for him.
I do it for the kids.
I want him to be there for the important things in their lives.
I want them to have their Mommy and Daddy there.

I’m tired of being tired though.
I’m done.
I really do hope it gets better with time.
I do.
I am done wasting so much of my energy on trying to get him involved.

Tonight I need help.
I told him about tonight three days ago.
Normally I would follow up today just in case he didn’t get my message; send him a few texts, an email and call a few times so he had the opportunity to be there.
Not today.
Today my Dad will take the one I can’t get where they need to be.
My Dad is excited to do it and the kids are excited for him to go.

It’s an exhausting let down for everyone when I continually try and include him.
I don’t understand it.
I won’t ever understand it.
I hate missing things.
Yes, a break would be awesome.
The break I just had was awesome.
I missed them the entire time.
I can’t imagine not being there for the important stuff let alone the unimportant stuff.
I get lonely.
I get sad.
It’s hard feeling like you’re the only one concerned with their lives, their futures; because undoubtedly this is affecting all of that in a major way.

I do my part.
I do his part most of the time too.
I made a decision though, I cannot keep spending so much of my time concerned with what he does or doesn’t do.
It’s easier said than done.
I want him there for them.
I can’t force it though.
He has the information, he knows when things are and what the schedule is.
What he chooses to do with that information is up to him.
As for me, I’ll be a little lonely for the next few years I think.
That’s just how it seems like it needs to be.
They come first and since I have no idea when they will be away from me, I can’t really plan much.
Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it gets really hard but they won’t need me forever.
While they need me I want to make sure they have me.

-S

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