To Go Or Not To Go

In 2 weeks I should be heading to another state.
I haven’t struggled with something so much in awhile.
I want to be there, I feel like I need to be there.
I know that being there would be for me.
It’s for myself, not for anyone else.
I know that.
That doesn’t mean that I can do it though.
It doesn’t mean that it would be easy for me.
It doesn’t mean that I would get what I should out of it.

I really struggled with deciding what to do.
It’s for me and I would gain a lot, yes, but I needed to decide if I was personally ready to make the trip.
I had to decide if I would be able to position myself mentally to gain everything I should from the trip.
Would I be able to allow myself to accept what I would be learning?
Really let it all sink in.
Would I be able to do that or would my mind be on other things?

Learning myself and learning where my heart is and what I can and cannot do has been really trying.
My mind doesn’t always agree with the rest of me.
I am learning what I can and can’t handle.
What is best for me and what isn’t.
I am learning to put my feelings and my emotions at the top of the list.
That means not always choosing the popular choice.

Yes, my mind has the ability to block out the things I should block out.
There are things that I need to suck up and deal with in order to get the most out of situations.
Is this one of them?

In short the answer is no.
It isn’t.
Not right now, not for me.

This trip would be so much more than just a trip to another state to learn and soak up all the knowledge and wisdom I could.
This trip will be a reminder of things.
Good and bad.
I’m not ready to put myself through what I would be putting myself through yet.
The days would be fine.
I can smile and carry on conversations with anyone.
My heart wouldn’t be in it though.
Not yet.
Not now.

These trips are life changing.
They bring out the best and make you acknowledge the worst.
Even in the happiest of times these trips make you deal with and accept feelings that you might not be ready to deal with and accept.
I have made the trip twice and each time has been very different.
I was in different places in my life with each trip.
This trip would be the most difficult though.
This time I am in a place that I have never even imagined.
A place that I didn’t even know I could ever be in.
A place that I didn’t know existed.
It’s a good place.
A place I want to stay but I don’t know for sure that I am strong enough to keep myself there yet.
Going on that trip would make it even harder to stay here.

I don’t expect anyone else to understand.
I haven’t given up.
I just had to step back.
When I started this, I started it with people.
People that meant and still mean the world to me.
I wasn’t really allowing myself to think that I would ever be on a path in my life that didn’t include them.
I never thought about that.
I took for granted that they would be next to me every step of the way.
I guess for the rest of my life?
I don’t know.
They didn’t really leave, they just aren’t there in the same capacity that they were before.
There isn’t anything wrong with that.
I’m not upset with anyone.
I don’t think they’re upset with me.
It’s just different.

Going on that trip is something I want to do.
Something that certain parts of me need to do.
Other parts don’t though.
Other parts need to stay here.
Yes, I want to go and I know how important it is to be there.
I just know myself so much better now; better than I ever have known myself before.
I know that my heart will break beginning Thursday morning and would stay broken until I walked back into my house Sunday evening.
Things change; I can accept that and I’m OK with the changes that have been in my life.
I’m at peace with the changes.
Being at peace with something doesn’t mean that you are ready to do something that will stick those changes right in your face.

I’ll be on the trip next year.
It might be with people I have been with before or it might be with new people, or maybe even on my own.
I don’t know what the next year will bring.
I haven’t given up, I will make my way back in; slowly though, not head first.

-S

arj21

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