It Would Hurt So Bad

I know what would hurt you.
I know what would get to you more than anything else ever could.
I know where your main artery is.
I know.
I always have.

It’s the same thing that you could do right back to me.
What you have done hurts.
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but there’s one that would’ve been way harder.
It was always the thing you used to break me.
Cut me off at the knees.
You never hesitated to do it.
You never hesitated to smack me with it.

It’s funny now that I’m seeing hindsight 20/20 vision; now I can see why you always threw it at me.
You threw it at me because you knew it would hurt you.
You would rather use it against me, try to make me think about it negatively than actually think back about it with a positive view.
Smart.

You knew how much my heart would ache when I thought about it.
You knew how bad it hurt.
You knew there was something different, something irreplaceable about it.
I knew the same about yours.
Your cat.
Your apartment.
Your prom.
You thought she was the one.
Maybe she is.
Was.
Maybe this one will see pictures of her in the same album as your wedding pictures.
I don’t know.
I don’t care.

I talked about it last night.
Talked about how you used it against me.
How you would say it just to shut me up.
Get my tears flowing.
You would win that round.
My heart hurt to bad to keep going.
Good job.
Congratulations.

Hindsight.
You were jealous.
You thought it hurt seeing me with someone new; I thought the same about you.
What about someone old?
What about the one I tossed around?
The one you tossed around?
That would be so much worse wouldn’t it?

I know how to get to you.
After all this time that would crush you.
It would get to her too.
She can’t stand that we have a friendship.
She doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that they love me too.
What if it becomes more?
Then what?
The thought is unbearable.

Not to me though.
I call it karma.

-S

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