Love Lessons

The only thing worse than dealing with heartbreak is watching your daughter deal with it.

It’s inevitable.
I know it’s going to happen but you still can’t prepare yourself for when it actually does.

I remember every one of my heartbreaks.
Every single one.
They all hurt like hell but some are definitely worse than others.
I know the feeling in your stomach, the pain in your heart, the sadness.
I know all about it but to see it in your baby’s eyes is devastating.
Seeing the pain in her hurts so much worse than any heartbreak I have ever had.

My immediate instinct is to tell him to go away, stop talking to her, just disappear.
It doesn’t get any easier when you still talk, still communicate, still go to the same places.
It’s hard no matter what, but cutting all ties somehow makes the pain go away a little faster.
I can’t do that though.
I can’t involve myself and make it all better.
This is something she has to deal with, something she has to go through.
She has to deal with the feelings that she has.
I know that she will be OK.
I know that she can handle anything because I know how strong she is.
She’s so much stronger than I ever was at that age.

She knows I’m here.
I listen to every story, as many times as she feels like she needs to say it.
I let her take over my bed at night and I rub her back while she cries herself to sleep.
It kills me.
The older she gets the more I realize there will be less and less that I can fix for her.
I can’t make it all better.

My hope for her is that she has listened when I tell her about my experiences.
That she knows she doesn’t determine her happiness based off of anyone except herself.
I hope she knows that she deserves the best.
Nothing less.

She’s stubborn.
She builds walls that are taller and more indestructible than any I ever built.
She has been hurt more than I did by this time though also.
She has lost more than I ever lost.
She has trusted people that have walked out without ever looking back.
There have been more people to let her down in her 16 years that I have in my 33.
She’s young and she has so much more to learn in her lifetime but she has learned a lot more than any 16 year old I know.
She won’t let you know how hard she’s crying at night.
You won’t have any idea, she doesn’t need the attention and knows better than to give you the satisfaction.

Heartache sucks.
When you’re young there are times where you can’t see past your nose.
You can’t imagine feeling any differently.
You don’t see yourself getting over it and you definitely don’t imagine ever loving anyone again.
Nothing anyone says helps you to feel better either.
You just have to deal with it, go through it, feel it and heal from it.
It has to be done on your own, in your on time, in your own way.

We all handle it differently.
Watching your daughter handle it is so much harder than handling it yourself though.
That’s one lesson that I wish with everything I had she never had to learn.

-S

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