It’s Real.

It feels dark.
Dark and quiet.
Tired.
Exhausted really.
You didn’t even have to do anything to be so damn lethargic.
Your whole body hurts.
Not like cuts and bruises, sore.
Sore and achy.
Breathing in and out brings tears to your eyes.
Sleeping is the only escape so you try to do as much of it as possible.
When your eyes are open you have to think.
Thinking is painful.
From the tips of your toes to the top of your head.
It’s achy.
Sore.
Crying doesn’t make it any better but you just can’t seem to stop.
The tears never end.
Ever.
If you could just pull yourself together…
You can’t though.
You’re lonely.
Standing at the end of a diving board.
Do you jump?
Do you walk back?
Does it matter?
Does anyone know you’re standing there like that?
Would anyone notice if you just disappeared?
Do you care if they notice?

Depression hurts.
It’s real.
It doesn’t just go away.
It can happen to anyone.
To the person that is smiling a huge smile standing next to you right now.
There isn’t one thing that triggers it.
Sometimes you don’t even know when or why it started.
You wake up one day and you just want to go back to sleep.
You don’t want to talk about it.
You don’t want to explain it.
You don’t know how.

Unless you have been through it yourself you can’t possibly understand the feelings that come with it.
You are sick.
Not really, but you are.
Sometimes you think you’re getting the flu but you never really get sick.
Not sick like a physician would notice anyway.

Everyone tells you to just get up.
Go out.
Go for a walk.
Talk to someone.
They don’t understand that those suggestions don’t help.
You’re thankful they care enough to offer but it doesn’t really help.
You can’t get up.
You want to.
You feel trapped inside yourself.
Trapped inside your mind.
Nothing that you think about makes any sense.
You can’t change anything.
Helpless.
So helpless.
Being dead would probably feel the same way…
Lost, insignificant, like a failure, invisible.

If you have been through it, you know how hard it is to pull out of it.
You know how strong you are though and that it can be done.
You know that the people suffering from it could be just as strong.
It can be done.
It isn’t easy.
Not at all.
Things feel like they won’t ever get better.
Ever.
They will though.
If you could pull out of it then you know they can too.

Depression is real.
Once you suffer through it you’re more likely to suffer through it again.
You learn what will help you pull out of it.
You learn what it feels like at the beginning and then you know what to do when it happens.
You manage it.
Just like any sickness, any illness or disease.
You manage it and you use what you have learned, what you have been through, to help get others through it as well.

Life isn’t roses and rainbows.
Not all the time.
Not really.
Some of us are a lot better at coping with the bad and the ugly than others.
Some of us will never be able to handle tragedy with as much ease and grace as others.
You just weren’t built that way.
That’s Ok.
What matters is that you don’t give up.
You remember the good.
You tell yourself that the climb up the mountain isn’t easy, it sometimes will down right suck.
The view at the top though, it will be so worth it!

-S

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