So Impatient

I want things fast.
I like them to happen quick and I don’t really like waiting for things.
I want to know right now.
Self control isn’t really my strong suit.
I have a hard time saying no.
I’m the one who calls instead of waiting just 5 more minutes to see if you’ll call.
Very impatient.

It’s so strange to me how all these “qualities” if you will, have been me for most of my life and I’m just now starting to recognize them.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been forced to do so much soul searching lately.
I’m finally taking the time to get to know the real S.
My awesome parts and my not so awesome.
I finally see all of me for what I really am.

Being impatient is not really a good quality.
It’s bitten me in my own rear a bunch of times.
I’ve definitely prayed to the text Gods on multiple occasions that those last 5 texts would somehow miraculously not be sent.
I react quick.
I spring into defense mode before thinking things through completely.
I decide in my mind what I want or how I want something to go and I just kinda do it.
The realization that it wasn’t a good idea follows shortly after I’ve already done it…

Every single day now I have to make a conscious effort to process first, think before responding or hitting send.
My kids laugh because you can physically see my arms fly in the air, my mouth open and then my hands go to my hips, my mouth closes again, my eyes sometimes even close for a moment before I start again.
Much calmer, much more rational.

I try to think before responding to a text or email that heats me up to 450 degrees in 15 seconds.
Maybe I’m taking it wrong.
Maybe it’s not as bad as I think at first.
Maybe they deserve a chance to send a second text or even call with an explanation that’s a little better than the original.
I try to think about all the times I have said things I wish I could take back; maybe they’re wishing the same right now…

Realizing things about myself has shown me a lot.
I always thought I knew myself.
I mean, I’m me.
I should know myself better than anyone else right?
That’s so wrong.
I have spent so much of my life pleasing everyone else, trying to keep everyone else happy that I forgot to learn what makes me happy.
Like not just what makes me smile but really deep inside, what makes me feel whole, complete.
What are the things that I think about before I close my eyes at night?
What do I regret?
What do I wish I had done differently?
When I’m 75 what will I be wishing I had done?
Who will I be wishing were sitting next to me?
How can I change the things I don’t like so much about myself?
I know all the little things that make the people I care about tick but I don’t know them about myself.

A year ago I would’ve told you I was patient.
I have 3 kids, of course I’m patient.
A year ago I had no idea who I was.
A year ago I was defining myself by my relationship status, by the number of kids I have and the place where I was employed.
That was me.
Lost and without a clue.
My happiness was dependent on everyone around me or everyone who wasn’t around me any longer.

My lack of patience has bitten me.
My inability to sit back and think things through before acting on emotion has definitely hurt me.
It’s hurt people I love(d) also.
I can think of so many important moments in my life that would have turned out so differently had I just chilled out for 15 minutes.
I didn’t though.
I didn’t and we don’t get those moments back.
What’s done is done.

Learning to just get in my car and drive away has been one of the greatest things I’ve taught myself.
I don’t need the last word.
I don’t need to have the first word either.
I don’t need to make sure I tell you how I feel first.
As long as I make sure you know.
I don’t have to run to you, you can run to me; and if you don’t?
That’s cool also, it’s better to know now than in 6 months.
I don’t need to react to every comment that I find beyond stupid.
You don’t always deserve to know that I’ve reacted at all.
Sometimes no reaction gets more of a response anyway.
Who would have ever thought!?

Being impatient is a flaw.
Good things come to those who wait.
I believe that now.
I believe that you know how happy we were, I don’t need to chase you down to tell you.
In your heart, you know.
I believe that you know what you’ve done is wrong, I don’t need to say it out loud.
In your heart you know.
If by some chance right now you don’t know, you will.
I believe if you can’t get something off your mind, if you think about it often, you know it’s supposed to be on your mind.
I don’t need to spend my time and energy forcing you to recognize it.
I have better things to do.
There are much more important things I could be doing to get my heart racing than reacting to every little thing.

I think I was impatient because I was scared.
Scared to be alone.
Scared I might not ever get the chance to tell you again.
Scared it might be the only chance I can talk to you.
Scared your actions will hurt a relationship permanently.
I freak out because I just can’t believe you seriously said something so stupid.
I shock myself with the shock of what you’ve just done.
I send myself into a tizzy; full of shock and fear and disbelief and regret and pain.
Lots of pain.
I’m just realizing though that my tizzy was brought on by me.
My lack of patience.
My lack of self control.
My lack of belief in everything I thought I believed in.
The thing is, on the outside you can pretend to be anything you want; but on the inside if that’s not really you, it’ll show.
The only way to know if the outside is in sync with the inside is to really, truly get to know yourself.
Inside.

-S

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