Just When I Think Maybe…

I don’t know exactly where to start this post.
My mind is going 1000 miles a minute. So much is flowing in and out of my brain that it’s downright exhausting. My weekend was a quick, emotional, fun filled blur that ended with a call to be at work at 5am…

I know now that everything I have been hoping for will not be done this week. There just isn’t any possible way to finish it in the time we are being given. Maybe we can complete it soon after, but right now we know it can’t be done that day. Well, more than likely it can’t. I’ve learned that you never really know what the final outcome of these things will be.
I think I knew that though. There’s too much little stuff, too many little nit picky pieces of the puzzle that have to be battled out.
I’m not upset or anything, I think it just makes sense, makes sense that something that has been so drawn out wouldn’t be done in an hour.

Dinner over the weekend with some friends and my daughter; my daughter tells me I should be flirting with these guys within a few feet of us. She said I need to loosen up and put myself out there more…
I laughed because I honestly hadn’t even seen the guys. I hadn’t seen them and when I did see them I had no desire whatsoever to try to flirt or talk to them or anything. I have so much to be thinking about right now that I can’t even process any of those thoughts or feelings.

Just when I think maybe I have a handle on it, just when I start to think I know what my heart is feeling or thinking, I get thrown for another loop d loop. I get all discombobulated and I have no idea what it was that I was thinking to begin with or what I should be thinking now.

If someone has feelings for you, do they “hook up” with other people? They know where they want to be in the end but they just aren’t ready for it yet so they play around until the time comes to stop? I’m a little torn. I can kind of see it. I can see how it can’t be anything now. I can understand how you know it just isn’t possible at this moment. But does that mean you keep on playing like it never will be? You have the understanding that there are no strings attached… You have made it clear you don’t want a commitment with any of these “other ones”. Fine. I understand that. He will stop answering his phone when he settles down. He knows the right one is out there, he even knows who she is, they just have to get to that point and that can’t happen right now. Is that a code? Does that mean something that I just don’t get right now? Do I even care now that I know what is being done in the meantime? I feel like if you cared about someone and you knew you wanted to be with them you would stop playing around… Am I wrong? I’m not sure, maybe that’s just me or maybe it’s different for guys.

I thought about it all night. I tossed and I turned and I tried to figure out what it all meant. I came up with basically the same thing as before I was given this extra piece of mind boggling, obnoxious information…I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. I have spent my whole life worrying and wondering and I’m not doing it anymore. I refuse. I get it but I don’t get it, and when I’m torn like that, I refuse to drive myself crazy trying to figure it out anymore, trying to analyze it. I just can’t do it to myself anymore. What is meant to be will be. No matter what you are doing right now or what I’m doing right now. What you choose to do is your decision. When it comes time I will just have to decide if I’m ok with it all or not. In the meantime, I’m going to keep on having fun and keep on enjoying it all. There is just way to much that needs my attention and my thoughts right now. That is not one of them either.
Before me doesn’t really matter and it’s still before me…

-S

Whirlwind

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