Eat Dirt

I feel sick.
I have that feeling in my tummy; that anxiety filled feeling.
Overwhelming and stressful and scary.
Even if I have nothing to worry about, it’s still so stressful.
All of it.
It’s crunch time.
Saying the wrong thing or texting the wrong thing could be suicide.
Planning each word and each reaction before revealing it.
That’s so not me, I react with raw emotion.
I don’t think, plan my reaction, then react.
I have to though.
I’ve learned how.
I can’t tell him how I really feel.
I can’t cry or get upset or even ask him to just talk to me.
It’s pointless anyway but it doesn’t matter because I can’t do it.
I just want to trust that they’ll be ok.
I just want to not feel panic when they leave or when we plan on them leaving.
I want to pick up the phone and have a normal, civil conversation about their trip.
I can’t though.
Nothing is normal or civil right now.
I smile like I’m supposed to for all the right things at the right times.
Inside I’m in knots.
One week.
I still feel like something isn’t right.
Something is up.
I don’t know what, but something is.
I don’t trust him.
I don’t believe anything he says.
Every day is a constant battle to stay tough as nails.
Every day brings new challenges, new obstacles I have to defend myself through.
A character assassination is what it’s called.
That’s a term I would’ve been ok not knowing.
I know it though.
The exact definition.
In one week I get to be a part of it.
I get to defend myself through it and then give it right back.
I’d rather eat dirt.
It’s been a long time coming though and all the stress and crying and fighting and pleading has prepared me for it.
All my struggles have prepared me so that I can have the strength to not only survive it but withstand it, to prevail, for my kids.
Not winning or losing but allowing my kids to have what they should, what is fair for them.
To make up for as much of their pain as possible.
It’s all for them.
One more week.
I can do it.
I know I’m not the most pleasant person to be around right now and I’m sorry.
I really am.
It’s almost over.
I can almost breathe.




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