I can’t concentrate.
I can’t think straight.
Everything around me is normal, except me.
No one can really tell.
I’m good at hiding that sort of thing.
It’s getting close and the closer it gets the more wired I get.
I guess wired is a good word.
I can’t sleep, I don’t feel like eating and I definitely cannot concentrate.
I know how he works and I know something is definitely up.
I have taught myself that it’s OK that I can’t control everything.
What will happen is going to happen.
I’m just so ready for it to all be over.
So close, but the closer it gets it almost seems farther away.
This is it.
This is really it.
I have been assured and reassured a million and one times that this is the end.
Well the beginning…
A new way of life.
Or maybe not, maybe nothing will change even after we get through all of this.
For two years I have waited and then just when I thought we were finished I found out we really weren’t.
Either way, the formalities will be done and the formalities are what have been holding me back.
Stopping me from being able to move from the spot I found myself in two years ago.
Something isn’t right and I feel it in the pit of my stomach but there isn’t anything that I can do about it.
As time gets closer and details are being organized it all gets so sticky.
I have to remember why we are in this situation to begin with.
It’s very emotional.
It’s not easy by any standard.
Every night I have to remember why I am doing this, why I am going through it all.
I look at my reasons and I know it will all work out.
One way or another.
I remember the beginning, I remember when I said “I just want my kids to be happy. That’s all.”
That is still my goal.
That is still all that I want.
I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to argue, I don’t care what he’s doing, or what he does.
I want happy kids.
Three of them.
My strength to make it through these next few weeks as they drag by as slowly as possible is the little loves of my life.
My world and my reason for pushing through every single day.
If they can’t depend on me who will they depend on?