Amazingly Average

Getting out there and dating again is hard enough as it is being a single mom of three.
It’s hard to meet people, it’s hard to decide who would be worthy of meeting your kids; because let’s face it, what’s the point of dating them if they aren’t someone you could ever introduce your kids to?
It’s hard finding time to even go on a date.
It’s usually awkward and weird at first.
If it goes well, then you have to make sure you put the effort into letting them know you’re interested.
Or you have to let them know that you’re not…
It’s really kind of exhausting just thinking about it.
Which is why I don’t really.

Now let’s add in the fact that I’m 33.
I have three kids…
I look like I’ve had kids.
I didn’t have a supermodel body, delivered my kids and then BAM! Supermodel again.
So many women I know are lucky like that, they bounce right back.
Not me though.
I’ve always struggled with it.
Always.
Like as far back as I can remember.
My ex promised me a tummy tuck but obviously that won’t happen now.
My replacement came with one already.
Lucky guy…
It was free!

I know I’m not really old and I know I’m not the ugliest girl to walk the earth but when you see pictures or even see real life moms with tiny bikinis on this time of year, it isn’t the best self-esteem builder.
When I’m interested in a guy and I think about my body, which, if I really like him he will eventually see (I hope – ha-ha) I want to run and hide.
Turn off every light.
Fast.
Seriously RIGHT NOW!!

Sometimes I think I don’t look too bad and then I look around and I see the mom of 6 in her teeny tiny bikini, no cellulite, no stretch marks in site and I want to dig a hole in the sand and dive in.
Literally.
But no, that’s usually the moment where you have to walk out of the water and drudge through the sand, pulling at your top so your boobs don’t fall out and adjusting your bottoms so your ass doesn’t flash the people behind you.
Kicking up sand as you walk towards the shore where you just KNOW everyone is staring at you because they have nothing better to do.
They’re all whispering about how you shouldn’t be at the beach at all…
What else would they be talking about??
They might even be taking pictures to send to their friends of the lady that shouldn’t EVER go in the water!
I’m being sarcastic obviously but that’s how it feel sometimes…

I know I could do more to change it, I know those women probably work really hard to stay that way but it won’t happen by the weekend.
And the weekend is when I think about it.
I cringe.
Then I get on Facebook and I see the things guys like, literally I see ___________ liked this, and they aren’t models or fake women.
They’re real and most of them are available.
So why would they choose me?
Ms. Amazingly Average.

Do guys get to a point where they would rather have a girl that makes a good partner, one that works hard, would support you and will love you with all they have even though they come with some chub?
I’m not saying if you look amazing you don’t posses those qualities also because I know several women who are amazing wives and mommy’s and have kick ass bodies.
I’m talking about the rest of us though, the ones that aren’t a perfect 10 on the outside but are pretty damn close on the inside.
Does there come a point where he says, I don’t want to play around anymore and I know you’re the real deal, you’re forever?
Is sitting home on the weekends with your kids attractive to anyone?
Like do they hear that’s what you do for fun on your weekends and say whoa that is hot!

Let me tell you, it’s stressful.
I know I have a lot to of offer and I know that I will find someone that loves me for me, all my flaws, crazy kids and all.
And no, I’m still not really stressing about it right now, but it does cross my mind…
Especially when you see what the other options are.
When you see a picture of yourself with a not so flattering pose or facial expression, you wonder; if he looked at me and I was standing like that or making that face would he think it was as bad as I do?
Because in order to get to know the inside and to know that you are an amazing woman, they have to start by seeing the outside.
That’s just the way it works.

I’m no longer at the point in my life where competing for a guy sounds even remotely fun.
I don’t want to chase him or beg him for anything.
I don’t want to always call first or text first or invite him to do stuff first.
I want it to be a two way street.
I don’t want to wonder about anything and I definitely want to feel wanted.

Maybe I’m asking for too much.
Maybe I have this picture in my mind of what I want and maybe once you get to a certain point in life it just isn’t possible.
Maybe you do have to sort of settle for some things.
You know what though?
I don’t want to.
I want what I want and if it’s something I can’t find or have, then I don’t want anything.
Period.
No more settling.
I really think that the one for me will think I am perfect in my own imperfection…
He will love me, chub and all and I won’t ever have to wonder if he’d rather be standing with the hot mom of 6 in her teeny tiny bikini.

-S

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