Everything Happens For A Reason

Everything happens for a reason.

For the most part I really do believe this.
Sometimes I think that things happen simply because we don’t know any better.
Sometimes I think things happen because you surround yourself with the wrong kind of people.
I think people like to use that statement as a cop out.
It’s easier to say “everything happens for a reason.” than “I screwed up.”

You still have to own up to your mistakes.
You still have to accept your part in things.
Yes, it might have happened because something better is coming or because it wasn’t meant to be right then.
It might have happened for a reason, but the reason might not be as profound and beautiful as that statement tends to sound.

Sometimes it takes years to be able to look back and be OK with the way something happened.
Sometimes it takes years to be able to look back and say yep, I messed up.
Sometimes it really is to late to fix it.
Does that mean it wasn’t meant to be?
Does that mean that it really was the end of whatever you screwed up?
You screwed up, no do over.
No chance at that again.
That door closed and is never reopening.
Can you really believe that even though you screwed up if it’s meant to be, it will be?

For a long time I was really scared that all my mess ups were unforgivable, that there was never going to be any chance of me fixing any of it.
I would never get a re-do.
Screw up.
Game over.

I’m not one of those girls that believe all of my mistakes made me who I am or got me to where I am now in a nostalgic kinda way.
I don’t think to myself, that mistake is OK now because it got you exactly where you’re meant to be.
No.
I know my mistakes got me to right now.
I don’t think of it like it’s a good thing though.
My mistakes suck.
I made big ones.
Am I right where I’m meant to be?
Maybe.
I tend to believe that I am in this position, in this place in my life because I need to be.
I didn’t learn the first time and I’m here again, ready to learn.
I would be completely lying though if I said I was OK with my mistakes.

Honestly, they infuriate me.
I can’t do anything about it now though, I can’t change them or take them back or fix them.
They won’t go away.
They are a part of me.
When someone I hurt looks at me, they will always see the mistake.
It might fade, it might not be the first thing they see or even necessarily cross their mind every time we are together but it doesn’t go away.
It happened.
When you screw up and hurt someone, it changes things.
No matter how sorry you are after the fact, things won’t be the same again.

Everything happens for a reason, sometimes that reason doesn’t become clear for quite some time.
Until that reason becomes clear you have to accept that maybe it happened because you suck.

I have accepted my part in my mistakes.
For example, the person I was talking about when I wrote The End, I screwed up that relationship.
I accept my part, now I realize that it was a blessing in disguise.
I needed to have a clean break from them and I wasn’t strong enough then to do it on my own or to even realize that it needed to be done.
That relationship gave me my best friend, she picked me up when I was lost… Again.
A friend that has no problem calling me out when I need it or calling someone else out for me.
I gained a relationship with two of the most amazing kids ever.
I gained my strength and sense of self-worth all after that royal mistake.
It wasn’t my finest moment and I can’t take it back.
The end and how I behaved infuriates me, there was no reason for me to act like that at that time, it wasn’t OK.
Now it is though, for me.
I forgive myself, I understand why I did it and I can assure myself it would never happen again.
For them, I understand that it will always be in the back of their mind.
It would be in mine too.
Crazy girl…

I’m in the middle of dealing with my mistakes right now.
Mistakes from years ago.
They don’t ever go away.
Maybe they take you to where you’re meant to be.
Maybe you are forgiven and given another chance.
Maybe you act like they never happened and you never bring it up again.
Maybe you just apologize.
As I get older I can see that a lot of things I thought were fine were actually big mistakes.
We don’t get to go back.
Sometimes I wish I could, I wish I could go back and whisper in my own ear the right thing to do.
I can’t though.
None of us can.
We just have to do better.
Don’t settle.
Don’t take the easy way out.
Don’t be afraid to tell someone how you feel.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from anything that doesn’t sit right with you.

My biggest mistake?
I have two.
1.)Spending to much time waiting.
Waiting for things to change, waiting for things to get better, waiting for someone to realize something they were never going to realize.
2.) Worrying way to much about what other people thought.
Worrying whether they will like me or agree with me or think badly of me.

I’m still guilty of #2.
Not as bad as before but I am.
Just today I was called out by my girl J.

Everything happens for a reason.
We don’t always know the reason for quite some time.
Sometimes the reason is because you suck.
Sometimes it’s because you were given a tiny sign, followed by a bigger one, then a flashing light, then a lightning bolt to the head.
One way or another you’ll get it, and then that is when you will realize the reason.

-S

download

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s