I Hate You!

Has being a mom always been this hard?
I’m not really asking, I know it’s hard.
It’s always been hard, just different kinds of hard.

There’s hard when they’re born and they won’t stop crying and you’re not sure what to do, there’s hard when they’re able to walk and they get into everything, there’s hard when they don’t want to do homework or they want a later curfew…
There’s all kinds of hard with kids.

No instructions, no manual, you just try your best and hope you’re doing a good job.
No pressure, it’s only another life, a person that you’re responsible for.
It’s only their entire life that you’re affecting.
Their self esteem and their self worth.
Their morals and values.
Hopefully you don’t screw it up.

The hardest thing to hear is “I hate you!”
I know I told my parents I hated them.
To their faces, under my breath, over the phone.
It was meant to make them feel bad.
I didn’t mean it.
If it made them feel like I do, I succeeded.
Yay me!
I know my kids don’t hate me.
Deep down I know it but it doesn’t make hearing it any easier.

They try me.
They push me.
Over the past year or so I’ve had to get tougher, I’ve had to put my foot down a lot more and actually mean it.
I can’t back down.
Sometimes that means having kids tell me that they hate me.

Tonight I was told “you act just like dad, I hate you.”
Ouch.
Being as “dad” was the disciplinarian around our house and I was in the middle of disciplining when I was oh so nicely told about this comparison it makes sense.

I was acting just like dad.
I was being ignored and mocked and I picked that little boy up and carried him right to his bed.
I told him no TV, not tonight and not tomorrow.
Straight to bed.
Please mommy, please!!!
Nope. You are not acting like this!
You’re so mean, you act just like Dad, I hate you!

I closed the door.
I calmly walked away.
Plopped down on my bed and I wasn’t sure if I should cry or pat myself on the back.
I handled that!
He hates me…

Through the door I could hear the crying.
Here he comes.
I’m sorry mommy.
I love you.
Can I please go watch TV?

No.

He hates me again…

Today I made two out of the three mad.
They didn’t get their way and they weren’t so subtle in letting me know how upset they were with me.
Two out of three – those odds aren’t terrible are they??

Sometimes it would be so much easier to just give in, let them do whatever they wanted to do.
Dinner would be a table full of happy people.
Besides me, but moms don’t count.
Bedtime just wouldn’t happen because they would never have to go to sleep.
Mornings would be blissful because no one would have to wake up to my soothing voice telling them we needed to get up now.
They could live on McDonald’s and Taco Bell and text or FaceTime until dawn.
No curfews, no rules, no cleaning or helping, trash could just pile up while they played Grand Theft Auto and skipped school.

Wouldn’t that be wonderful??
Wouldn’t they turn out to be amazing, respectable, successful adults?
Not quite.
So tonight I’m taking “I hate you” as a compliment.
A sign that I’m a good mom.
I hate you because I have to listen to you.
I hate you because I’m in trouble and I’m not getting my way.
I hate you because you love me.

One day they’ll get that.
They’ll realize it all.
Being a parent isn’t easy.
Not at all.
That hug I just got though, the runny nose in my hair that sniffles and said “mommy I love you. I’m sorry I was mean. Tomorrow will be better I promise.”
That makes it worth it.

-S

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