Anger Is Just Stupid

It gets easier.
That’s the good news.
I don’t think it has anything to do with time though.
I don’t think it gets easier because so much time has gone by.
I think it gets easier when you are able to finally accept everything for what it really is.
I think it gets easier when you accept that you can’t change people.
It gets easier when you accept that things can’t go back to how they were before and that you can’t predict what the future will hold either.
I think it gets easier when you accept that no matter what you might want, if it’s not what you need, you just simply won’t get it.

When you can accept those things, it gets easier.

For so long I was angry.
I’ve been angry at him for living with her.
I’ve been angry that her kids get him and their dad.
I’ve been angry that it’s working for them, blending their lives, working together to make it work.
It infuriated me.
The thought of her and her kids there with him while mine aren’t, made me feel so worthless, so pitiful, like such a failure.
I was never angry at her kids, I was angry for mine.
Mine were lacking and that wasn’t fair.
How could they be making it work when we couldn’t?

I realize my anger was stupid.

The truth is that I have no idea how happy they are and I honestly don’t care.
It doesn’t matter to my life.
As long as my kids don’t have to see anything they shouldn’t then really, what difference does it make?
The fact is that I wasn’t happy with him…
If he has a happy relationship and a nice house and cute pets and wonderful stepchildren, I shouldn’t be angry about it.
I don’t have to like him or her, I don’t have to agree with what he does or what she allows him to do.
I won’t hear the bad, I won’t know about the sad, they won’t let me see anything but the good and we all know there is more to everyone’s life than the perfect.
My opinion of the kind of person they have both proven to be is my opinion, but when I let it cause me to be angry then that’s another story.
That’s giving him control we all know he loves to have.
It’s taking from my own happiness.
He’s done enough of that.

I have struggled with the way he’s handling his relationship with the kids.
I’ve blamed myself and I’ve been torn over helping to fix it or letting him dig his own grave.
I tried forcing it and I tried ignoring it.
Neither worked.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter what I say or what I do; my relationship with my children is mine.
I own it.
Nothing could keep me from them, nothing could stop me from calling to make sure they’re ok.
That’s not my fault.
He needs to own it but whether he chooses to or not has nothing to do with me.
I can only do my part.
Being angry won’t change that.
It hasn’t changed it.

I was angry because he found her, he picked life back up right where ours ended.
No changes.
Three kids and a house in a nice neighborhood just with different kids and a different partner.
Seeing my kids upset angered me.
Seeing him happy as can be while my kids were upset angered me.
Remembering how he wouldn’t play with our kids after a day at work but hearing how he does with hers, from my kids, angered me.
Remembering how he never smiled with us and seeing him smile with them, angered me.

I have spent so much time being mad.
For what?
It won’t change anything.
He is who he is.
He behaves how he’s going to behave.
My anger or sadness never changed it before what good would it do now?
None.
All that was doing was giving him control.
More of it.

I know where the kids want to go and where they don’t want to go, I know where they want to be and I know when they’re saying they’re bored but they’re really having a blast.
I listen when they’re sad or when they are angry.
I listen when they express their feelings about things going on around them.
I might not agree with what he’s doing but as long as my kids are safe it’s really none of my business.
His relationship with them is his, as is mine.
They don’t need to know anything about how we feel in regards to each other beyond the fact that we both love them.

Like any Mom, I can’t stand to see them hurt.
Really we just want to slap the stupid out of anyone that causes our kids pain.
Unfortunately that’s illegal so we have to accept that they’re going to hurt.
It’s part of life and growing up.
We can’t shield them from the hurt a family member causes anymore than we can the mean kid at the bus stop.
We do what we can but we can’t make everything all better all the time.
Sometimes they have to learn themselves, on their own.
We just need to stand behind them and make sure they know we are there whenever they need us.

Being angry about the fact that he was able to keep up the same kind of life post us didn’t do me any good.

My plans and the way I see my kids in regards to my (future) relationship(s) are much different than his.
Our ideas about how to handle things with the kids were very different when we were together so it makes sense that they would be now as well.
Being angry doesn’t accomplish anything.
It doesn’t change anything, doesn’t help anything, doesn’t improve life for anyone in any way.

It gets easier, when you realize that you can’t control everything and you can’t make people do the right thing.
It gets easier when you accept that all you can do is your part; you can’t take on the burden of someone else’s wrongdoings.
No amount of anger or hurt or court appearances can change the type of person someone else has decided to be.
When you can accept that, you can get over it a little faster and a little easier all while being a little happier.

-S

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