It Just Worked

I was so nervous about taking the boys, about introducing them and involving them.
That’s usually the hardest part, that’s when things get weird, difficult.
Yes, this is very different, it’s not your typical “meet the kids” event.
I know that.
In some ways that made it even harder, even more nerve wracking.
There’s part of me that didn’t care, I wasn’t worried about it.
Another part of me, this teeny tiny part, was really hoping it went good.
The part of me that’s not sure how I feel or what’s happening was hoping this would be just as natural as everything else seems to be.
Hoping this would be one thing I didn’t have to worry about.
The kids all being close and staying close is a big deal to me and this would affect that…

The three of them together can be overwhelming.
It’s not something just anyone can deal with, but seven of them?
It’s almost unbelievable to think that could be even somewhat bearable.
The thought itself seems difficult.
Seven.
Whoa.

It doesn’t matter though.
Not really, it either works and it’s fun for everyone or it’s not.
No pressure.
This needs to work for her.
The rest doesn’t really matter.
If it’s too much or it’s not something the rest of us can handle, we don’t have to.
It’s not about the rest of us.
But again, keeping them all close is super important to me…
We have discussed it and made the decision that it would work, we would make it work.
We were in charge now… Not anyone else.
Seven.
That is what’s most important, but mostly she is.

The fact that it was fun, the fact that everyone got along, no one got stressed out or upset should probably really surprise me.
I don’t know what I expected.
I don’t know if I expected it to be sort of divided.
I don’t know.
I guess I had forgotten that stuff about him too.
I had forgotten how much fun my sister had with him when she was little and I forgot about all the little cousins and how he was their favorite.
I forgot how he loved throwing the football and didn’t sigh when he had to let another kid climb up on his shoulders.
I forgot how much he loved to play.
I forgot what a good dad I used to think he’d be

I should be surprised that it was so normal.
I’m not though.

I’m not sure about anything right now really.

I can say one thing for sure now though, no matter what happens, no matter what comes next, the little hole in my heart is closing.
I messed up.
Big time.
So did he.
We can’t change that.
It doesn’t have anything to do with me really though.
The hole is closing in my heart and I have very little to do with it…
I see what this is doing for everyone and I know that this is what was missing.
It just works.
I can’t explain it.
It isn’t anything more than filling a void right now.
I don’t know what next week will be like, I don’t know what next year will be like; I don’t know.
What I do know is that I feel good about it.
I feel like what was missing for so many years is being found.
It’s funny really…funny how when your child is missing something or when something isn’t quite right for them, you feel it too.
Crazy to think it could have all been avoided.
Everything happens for a reason though right?

-S

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