The End

I read something the other day that talked about how people come into your life for different reasons and at different times.
It talked about how it could be someone that you love or someone that you just met; maybe you even fell in love with them.
They could be anyone in your life for any reason.
This person won’t stay in your life though.
They will be there for a little while, maybe a month or a year, maybe 5.
Just not forever.

I loved what it said.
I started thinking about different people that have come into and out of my life.
Some I really thought would be a part of my world forever.
Them leaving was really, really difficult…

There’s one relationship that I really struggled with.
I haven’t put much thought into it in quite some time now.
Moving some boxes in from the garage I came across a box that I had kept all their letters and notes in.
Sticking out from the side of the box was one that said:
“Happy Birthday S. I know you don’t want flowers – tough!
Love always,
“This person”

It was a really difficult time in my life.
Probably the most difficult time I had ever been through.
It was when I finally accepted the beginning of the end of my marriage, my family and I weren’t in a good place at all and my kids were really struggling to adjust to their new life.
This person came into my world at one of the hardest times; if I ever had to describe my Hell, this would have been worse.

I talked to them all day everyday.
On my way in to work every morning, the entire way, until I was sitting at my desk and then throughout the day and on my way home.
Every idea I had, every dream, every tear and every hope was shared with them.

My whole adult life I kind of taught myself to just deal with whatever I needed to on my own.
I didn’t ask for help or advice.
I just did it and I just dealt with it.
This person taught me how to trust again and that it was ok to need help, to be vulnerable.
No matter what I told them
(and that was basically my entire life) I was reassured that it was ok.
That I was loved and appreciated with no reservations.
No limitations.

They became such a huge part of my life.
You rarely saw me without them and vice versa.
That’s just how it was.
They were my best friend.
My everything.

It’s funny how you look back on things and how different they seem now.
Hindsight.
I look back and I think I shared too much.
It was to much for anyone to handle.
I let myself get to comfortable and I ended up placing a burden.
A burden on the one person that I wanted nothing more than to show how appreciative and grateful I was for all they did.
I was supposed to open up but there’s limitations.
Especially in the place in my life that I was in.
Talk about overwhelming.
For anyone.

I think back and I realize I was clinging, clinging on to them.
Hoping for more.
Hoping I would be more.
That I could be more.
When I talked to them or was with them I felt like I was capable of anything.
I could do anything and I would do it awesome.
I wanted to be a better person for them.
For them…
I had shared all of my dreams and secretly hoped one day they would come true with my person.
One day they would realize what a great team we made and how amazing that could be if we took it another step.

I don’t regret one minute of the time they were in my life the way they were.
Not one.
I made some of my best memories during that time.
However, looking back I realize that I spent way to much time stuck.
I hung on, hoping for more, praying that it would become something beautiful, something forever.
I should have realized that it was already beautiful.
It was perfect the way it was.
Instead I was so scared someone else would come in and I would lose what we had.
I spent so much time focusing on the fact that getting hurt again was just inevitable for me that I forgot to enjoy what was always so perfectly us.
My overthinking and analyzing and hoping and dreaming ultimately brought out the worst in me.

Their time in my life was over.
I was a disaster.
An absolute disaster.
I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t accept it, couldn’t deal with it.
I didn’t know life without them anymore.

Eventually I realized I could survive.
I would survive.

Now I know that they were just like what I read.
They came into my life when I needed them the most.
My angel?
Sent to get me through that time, to absolutely shake up my world and then leave.
Leaving me to realize just how strong and capable I was on my own.
They got me through the tough stuff, helped me break free from the bad stuff.
That’s when I crumbled.
I hit rock bottom.
They didn’t come back to save me.
No call.
No text or email.
I had sealed the end and as awful as it was, it was time.

It was time for them to go and time for me to find me.

We still talk.
It’s not the same.
I don’t know if it ever will be again.
I’m not the same and I know I never will be again.
I love them.
I love them so much and I’m so thankful for the times I had.
I’m so thankful for everything they gave me and taught me.
I don’t know where my life would be if they wouldn’t have been there for me when they were.
When no one else was.
I’m sorry for the things I put them through, but the good memories hopefully make up for that by now.
Blurry lines, blurry heart, lots of confusion and hope along with a very untrusting, unsettled mind are enough reason to allow myself to accept the ending.
To forgive myself for any wrongdoing and to move on.

The thing I read was very true.
Sometimes when things end it’s not necessarily as bad as you think it’ll be.
Sometimes it’s just because it’s time.
It’s time for it to end.
Time for them to move on and time for you to learn something new about yourself.
It’s hard, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

-S

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