What If…

Wrong vs right.
Good vs bad.
Smart vs stupid.
Safe vs wreckless.

Those should all be easy choices.
They should all be super easy for us to choose.
Safe.
Smart.
Right.
Good.

I feel like I can’t though.
I can’t choose.
Not all of those choices are plain as day.
What I think is right you might think is wrong.
Something that might seem perfectly safe could be one of the riskiest things I’ve ever done.

Here’s the thing, I’ve had this hole for 15 years.
This ache that would only surface when I allowed myself to go there.
This constant question hanging over my head.
Why?

No matter what anyone has said, I wasn’t ever worried.
Not even a little bit.
But I still heard them when they said I should be.
I kept it in the back of my mind.
What if… What if they’re right?
I didn’t think about the what if for very long because quite honestly, I really didn’t care.
It was worth every little bit of risk back then.
Back then

I don’t really know if I believe in soulmates or that there is someone for everyone.
I don’t know if my other half, my perfect match is out there.
It’s a beautiful thought.
It really is.
Truthfully though, I really don’t care about that either.

It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter if we’re meant for each other or if this is my 2nd or 3rd chance with “him”.
It makes no difference really.
The fact is that I remember my tummy the moment he said I was his girlfriend, I remember the feelings I had during our first kiss after my braces came off and I remember how I felt when he told me he was getting married.
It never went away.
Those feelings stuck.
The good and the bad.
They surface sometimes.
They sort of linger there in the back of my mind or of my heart.
What do you do with that?

I’m not 100% convinced that this is what I should even be thinking about.
A big part of me sees it ending in heartache or pain.
I’m torn.
I’m confused.
It seems like there’s so much I don’t know.
One minute I’m scared to death, the next I’m floating on cloud nine.
I know that there’s only one way for my hole to be filled.

He’s my person.
He’s always been my person.
My distant person.
The one I couldn’t stop thinking about.
The one I was supposed to forget.
The only one who could ever handle me at my absolute worst.
He could cry with me, scream with me, laugh with me and calm me down like no one else has ever been able to.
When I had a meltdown he could look in my eyes, quietly say my name and I would instantly calm down.
He’s the real deal.
He’s been through things the rest of us only have nightmares about.
I’ve hurt him in ways that should be unforgivable and he’s given it right back to me.
Years of love and just as much pain followed.

All of the things I’ve been through over the past few years brought me right back to where I was.
Where I lost it all.
I’m right back where it all went wrong.
Or right.
Was it best or was it wrong?
Either way this is where I am and I’m scared to death.
But why?
Am I scared that he didn’t really forgive and this is all payback?
He has the chance to hurt me, to get me back.
Do I believe he would do that?
No.
Not really.
I don’t.
He loved me.
But it’s still back there…
What if they’re right?
What if….
What if I let the what if steal my answer?
What if I never knew?
Could I move on knowing I could’ve known but I chickened out?
No.
I would always wonder.
I would stay stuck.
I would always think about it.
I would always have that hole.
It might be smaller but it would still be there.
It’s always been there.
What makes me think it would go away now?

I thought I knew right from wrong, smart from dumb, real from fake but I don’t.
Not even close.
There are people who would say I was crazy for even standing near him, others would tell you it was inevitable.

She needed answers, she needed this relationship.
I had no idea how much I would gain from it; how much I would learn about myself and how much I would remember.
No idea.
The truth remains the same though, ultimately this whole thing is for her, about her.

I’m scared.
I don’t know what’s right.
I don’t know what’s wrong or what’s stupid.
I have a general idea obviously but I also have to know…
I have to know.
Lord please don’t let this backfire.
Please.
My overthinking and analyzing has burned me more than once.
I’m going to attempt to let it be… It’ll be hard but I’m going to try.
Whatever is meant to happen will happen.
I’m not thinking or worrying anymore than I have too.
I need this to stay good for her.
I need her to have this; and me, well I’m going to trust God and let things fall how they may.
I’m giving it my best shot – no analyzing, no worrying, no overthinking.

-S

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