Alone

Sometimes there is so much going through my mind I don’t know what to get out.
I don’t know which thing I should try to process first.
This is one of those nights.

Someone I love is sick, my daughters MRI is tomorrow, my oldest boy just called to tell me all about his middle school visit, (middle school!)
I’m finally at a point where we can countdown to this chapter of my life coming to a close.
30 days.
My mind is full.
So of course I can’t sleep.

Not being able to sleep got me started thinking about these past few years.
A year ago I was so upset because I didn’t have anyone laying next to me at night, listening to me, letting me tell them everything that was going through my mind.
How could I process it all with no one to hear me, to help me process it?
No one was there to hold me while I cried.
No one was there to tell me it would all be OK.
No one was there for me to share my happiness, my sadness, my excitement, my fear…

Tonight I’m still in bed by myself, just like a year ago.
The difference in what I feel and how I am dealing with it is so much different though.
I’d be lying if I said the thought of having someone I love laying next to me wasn’t something I wanted anymore; of course it is.
The thing is, if it doesn’t happen I won’t die.
I will still breathe the same way I am now, in and out.
My heart will still beat.
I will still be complete.
Completely S.
I don’t need someone to listen, I can write.
I am perfectly capable of wiping away my own tears and telling myself that things will work out.
I have friends that I can call or text and they will listen if my writing isn’t enough.
I have finally made it to a point where I don’t need to feel alone, even if at that very moment, physically, I am.
I know I’m not.
Not really.

Actually, I feel less alone now than when I did have someone laying next to me.
I was always wondering if he really wanted to be there and why even though he was within 2 inches of me, I couldn’t help but feel like he was miles away.
I wondered why my mind drifted to other places.
I wasn’t anymore present than he was.
I was alone with him.
I was comfortable, but I wasn’t really.

The difference is that I would much rather be where I am today, alone, than where I was before.
For a really long time I wondered.
This “alone” is OK with me.
This “alone” is just fine.
It will take a lot for me to give it up.
I like my space.
I never thought I would be able to say that.
Of course, I want to fall in love again.
What an amazing feeling that is.
Who doesn’t love to be in love?
As I lay here and write, I realize that I’m more excited now than ever to fall in love again.
Because this time, this time it will enhance my life, it won’t be my life.
And if I don’t find someone, if I stay “alone” I am content with that too.
I know where my heart is, it’s where it has always been and I am just fine letting it stay there.

-S
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