Confusion Just Makes Sense

I think I might be enjoying the time she is getting a little more than I thought I would.
Am I being selfish?
I feel like I am getting so much out of the time spent.
It’s hard to explain.
It’s not easy to pinpoint exactly what is going on or what it feels like.

I hope I’m not being selfish.

My hope with it all was for her to get the answers she needed;
for her to have all her gaps filled in, all the holes closed and all the confusion sorted out.
In the process of doing that, it’s happening for me too.
Holes are closing, gaps are being filled in and any questions still hanging out there are being answered.
I look forward to every talk, every dinner and every day of fun that I get to be a part of also.

I am so happy for my daughter, she needed this.
She needed to sort it all out.
Slowly but surely, she is.
She has a long way to go, we all do.
You can see the pain in her eyes when she talks about the hurt she’s felt over the past few years; the rejection and the neglect.
Neither of us really understand what happened there.
I would have bet my life that even after we split up he would have loved all three of them the same, just like I thought he did when we were together.
I am still amazed at how wrong I was.
I thought she was “daddy’s little girl“, I really did.
Times got hard, from what I am told it does for teenage girls when their parents go through a divorce, some worse than others.
That’s when you love a little harder and squeeze a little tighter.
With her, he loosened up until he was no longer there.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.

I wasn’t really sure what would come of it, what would happen and how it would turn out.
My biggest fear was her getting hurt again.
In my heart I didn’t think he would hurt her, not intentionally.
I spent nights reading old emails and MySpace messages.
I let myself relive as much of it as I could, remembering things I had forgotten about.
It makes me so sad to think about it all, about what happened and how it happened.

As a kid I went from very rebellious to very scared and obedient.
From not following any rules or listening to anything I was told, to following every direction and listening to every little thing.
As a parent, we do what we think is best.
As a kid, we trust we are being given the best guidance from the ones that love us.
Even if it doesn’t feel completely right, we have to believe we are being guided down the right path.
That isn’t always the case though, what we think is best may not be.
Everything isn’t black and white.

I’m still not sure how it will turn out.
I can’t tell you what will come of everything but what I can tell you is that so far it has been pretty amazing.
Sure there’s doubt and uncertainty, there’s a lot of history just hanging by a thread.
I do know that these past few months have changed me, for the better.
I haven’t felt this whole in years.
Complete.
Everything makes sense.
It just does.
What a relaxing feeling…

-S

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