Let Your Past Teach You Some Things

One of the hardest lessons for me to learn is that no matter how badly you want to, you can’t force people to do things.
You can’t force them to care.
You can’t force them to stay or to love you.
The same goes for being your friend or partner.
You can’t force it.
You can’t make someone do the right thing.
You just can’t.

Life is full of disappointment.
Heartache, headaches and loss are all something we will inevitably have to deal with.
No one is perfect, we are all flawed.

There are going to be people in your life that just won’t be able to stand by you through all of your flaws.
Your mistakes may be too much for some people to handle.
The fact that your flaws, your mistakes, supersede every happy moment, every laugh till your belly hurts moment; that’s tough.
It happens though.
You can beg and plead and cry until you’re sick but if they want to go, they’re going too.

The same applies to people doing the right thing.
Most people know what’s right and what’s wrong.
They know what they should be doing.
If they don’t want to do it though, they won’t.

There’s a huge amount of weight lifted from your shoulders when you realize this.
When you accept the fact that you can’t control everything.
There’s just no way.
No matter how much you want to.
Throughout life the majority of people will come and then they will go.
Some will come back.
Not all though.
You will screw up and not everyone can move past it.

The same goes for you, not everything that someone does to you will be ok.
There will be people you once loved so much and you will have to accept that you just can’t anymore.
You just can’t do it.

For as long as I can remember I have been that girl who just can’t let go.
I just can’t leave it alone.
I can’t let you walk out of my life without discussing it.
Talking about it and trying to figure out what we could do to fix it.
If I loved you, I couldn’t lose you.
I will call you and when you don’t answer, I’ll call again.
Justifying to myself that maybe you didn’t see I had called.
Maybe if I just had one minute for you to hear my voice you’d remember how things used to be.
I could never understand why my mistakes, big or small, could cause you to leave, but your mistakes, I could deal with.
Why do I love you so much I can’t lose you but you can act as though we never meant anything to each other?
What is wrong with this picture?

Not long ago someone who I was very close to when I was younger came back into my life.
I had to face some very real things from the past.
Things I thought I had all figured out.
I knew what had happened, I just didn’t really know why.
After a bunch of long talks, taking several trips down memory lane, I was able to process everything.
Him leaving changed my world.
Not for the better.
I had a huge gap in my heart and I wasn’t sure why.
I let him go.
There’s a lot more to that story but in a nutshell, I let go.
Let go of a lot.
Back then I was different.
I lost him and didn’t realize how much it hurt me, sure I cried and I was sad but I really didn’t have time to think about it or to process what had really happened so I just moved on.
Never really closing that book, just kind of shoving it to the back of my bookshelf.

It wasn’t going to happen again though.
I couldn’t let it happen again.
The thing is, now that all the pieces are filled in, I understand.
I understand why.
You can’t make anyone do anything.
Everyone has their reason for doing or not doing whatever it is.
Nothing we do will change that.
People will come and people will go and that’s life.
It just is.
No amount of phone calls or texts or even tears will make a difference.
Actually, it’ll just make it worse.
We have to let go of the people who want us to let go.
Begging and pleading is so ugly and we need to realize we are so much more beautiful than that.
If it’s something they really value, as much as you do, it will be ok.

They know what’s right and they know how you feel.
They experienced the laughing until their belly hurts just like you did.
They remember the good.
One day, they will miss it too.
Then you get to decide if they deserve to be let in to your life.

-S

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