That Feeling

That feeling in the pit of your stomach.
What exactly is it?
Are you excited or nervous or anxious?
Is it a warning?
It’s not butterflies.
It’s uneasy.
But why?

If something doesn’t feel right or if you’re not sure, you should listen to that.
Right?

I have this problem with second guessing myself.
Worrying that my decisions were the wrong ones.
I analyze everything.
I look into every detail trying to figure it out.
I don’t know if I make the situation out to be more than it really is or if it’s really even worth my time and effort.
Sometimes I think maybe it’s my coping mechanism.
It’s how I protect myself.
If I go over every possible scenario and I play out every possible outcome then I can’t be surprised or upset…

There was this thing on Facebook; it was about a guys and a girls perspective and the differences.
The girl is thinking OMG what went wrong, he doesn’t like me or he can’t stand me, maybe he thinks I’m ugly, all because there’s a little silence between them, and the guys thinking about whether it’s trash day or not or if his team won their last game.
It’s typical and it’s so me.

I’m working on going with the flow and letting things work out how they should but I’m not there yet.
The thing is, my decisions don’t just affect me.
They affect my kids too.
My life isn’t just about me.
It hasn’t been for years.
All these people that have a different “someone special” in their life each year, those people get close to the kids and vice versa.
When you move on and bring in the next one, well that affects everyone.
Not just that but decisions about everything in my life affect more than just me.
Is that why I feel so anxious lately?
Am I worried I’m making the wrong decision?
What about taking chances and risks though?
What if it could turn out beautifully?

There’s something that’s still stopping me.
Stopping me from fully going for it.
Whatever “it” may be.
Something in my tummy sets off a signal.
A warning?
A battle of conscience?
Maybe it’s telling me to go for it but be careful.
Stay on guard.

I really have no idea.

I know it sounds corny to some people but I prayed about it tonight.
I asked for some kind of sign.
Please just let me know what the right thing to do is.
Am I being lied to?
Played?
Am I being naive?
Do my choices lately have me heading down the right path finally?
Just give me some kind of sign.
Just let me know.
Please.
Do I keep going down this road or do I stop and find a different path?

I’m not 100% sure of myself.
I want to do what’s best.
For everyone.
That’s so important.
Until I can be sure that my choices are taking me where we need to be I will pray and I will look for the signs that I need to.

That feeling, it’s there again.
Disappointment?
Confusion?
What is it?

-S

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